Guys-----WOMEN are NEITHER Pursuits nor Contests

Dear Lovely Readers,

The recent sad and pathetic event of Elliot Rodger's killing spree has put the world in a somewhat state of shock. And when an event like this happens, our mind immediately questions "WHO TO BLAME" and we try to somehow make sense of whatever happened.

CULTURE
The first blame goes to culture. We blame it on the video games and the movies and the sitcoms etc Many writers and authors have in fact written about how culture drove Rodger and men like him on various pathetic and desperate members websites to do something like this. The recent one was by Hadley Freeman, the writer at The Guardian. While I do agree the culture paradigm, somehow I am not truly convinced by that.

Two people look out the same window at  the same time. One notices the stars in the sky; the other sees just the dirt of the road. Both are right, both exist!

Human brain is an extra ordinary creation of God and the power to pick and choose from what comes across us is truly unique and individualistic in nature. In Academia we say, it is purely subjective. The philosophy of truth and what exists limits down to only our mental potential and limitations.

While culture does play a crucial role in moulding our society, I do believe in the power of individual rebellion that has changed history. Slavery was a big part of our culture, wasn't it? Black slaves in America is one thing but when I read the verses of Quran and read about 'how to be kind to your slaves' and related scripture, it freaks me out. Because the holy scripture has not been changed, it does say a lot about the culture that existed years and years before us.

Yet, it relieves me to know that I live in a century that has passed slavery culture and now I read about it only in Quran in a good way. What Muslims usually make out of it is 'how to treat those with less power or poor'. The point I am trying to make is that people changed culture, abolished slavery and led us to this stage where we stand proud. Sure our society still has a million flaws but there are a billion that we corrected.

So, I ask you, does your culture define you?

Or do you define your culture???

Perceptions of WOMEN- from Elliot Rodger to Arthur Chu
The article by Prachi Gupta opened my eyes to something interesting. It expands over Arthur Chu's statement about nerds who study and work hard for good grades all their lives and expect a trophy wife in the end like a princess to be won at the end of video game conquest. I couldn't agree more!

If you are a fan of The Big Bang Theory, you would have noticed hints of these attitudes in the dialogues of the four young men aka nerds. There was an episode where Howard flirts with Penny and she gets mad and says "you are going to die alone"... Later when Penny tries to console him, he explains how Marcy Grossman, a girl in school broke his heart and then asks "what chance do I have if I don't try that hard?"

In yet another episode when a young Korean kid called Joyce Kim visits the university and our four beloved nerds try to distract him, they each mention their perceptions of the young girls around.Leonard mentions about a cheer leader who made him to her homework and so on and so forth. Also note that they use girls to distract him.

Stereotypes are everywhere and some are true. But stereotyping cheer leaders and studious girls cannot be more wrong!
Guys, guys, guys, please get this... Just because a girl is beautiful does not mean she cannot be hard working and professionally accomplished. Similarly just because a girl is studious and does not bother to look like a Dior model everyday, does NOT mean that she is not a nice person who would bore you to death.

There has been a lot of discussion recently, since the killing spree about rejections from beautiful women and their rights to chose who to be with.

I am a woman and I CANNOT give you a rationale for who I chose to be with in the past or even in future. It is entirely useless to look for a pattern and say that because I wear a 500 Dollar shirt and took a shower, I deserve the cutest girl in the room. Every woman is entirely unique when it comes to choosing men and people, please try to get this inside your brains. Ask any girl and you would know. I hate action movies, its just not my thing but I love Jason Statham and John Cena. I hate violence and guns and all that blood shed in the movies but I like those guys. And this is just about movies... I cannot justify my liking with a reason because there are several other action heroes that I absolutely dislike.

Just as there is no reason to dislike something, there isn't always a reason to like something as well. Humans are irrational. ASK ECONOMISTS (only if we Economists knew what goes on inside that little brain of humans that makes the stock markets burst like a balloon).

So, give it a rest. No matter what age you are at, Arthur Chu is right- you cannot expect a princess or a trophy wife just because you were "good" and disciplined all your life. If you got good grades and made a successful career, that's for your own sake, isn't it?
What about high profile men who do end up marrying trophy wives and sooner or later their career takes all their time and eventually their trophy wife drifts into some other looser's arms (just cause he has the time to make her feel loved)... Seen that a million times, I am sure we all have.

The point I am trying to make is we only have control over our own decisions. We cannot influence others to be our husbands or wives just because we think it is the right thing.

Ever heard --- "you can only be with me, you are crazy and I am the only one who can put up with you. If you ever leave me you will end up on the street"?

And while we are at it, there is another interesting pattern I see in ARRANGED MARRIAGES! Obviously this does not apply to the American culture directly and focuses more on the Indian and Pakistani culture. When the daughter reaches 21 or barely 22, the family is in search of a 'suitable match'. One of the first check points is how much is his bank balance and what are his qualifications. As long as these two are strong, the girl is pushed into this greed circle. I also know girls who deliberately agree to marry a green card holder or a rich business man without knowing how he takes his coffee even.

What a shame!

SO HERE'S THE THING-

Please STOP treating women like a contest or an examination.
While looking for a partner, the most important TIP I can give you as a woman is- Be Honest and gentle. If she likes you, VOILA! If she does not, move on and find the one who would like you for who you are.
And Girls- stop verifying the worth of a man by his qualifications and bank accounts. There is more to a man than that, explore him, discover him, know him, trust him, nurture him, love him for the person he is not for the wallet he carries.

With deep condolences to all those families whose loved ones will never return home...

Love and Light

# TOI
#Violence against women
#arranged marriages
#Telegraph
#ArthurChu
#rapeculture
#yestoallwomen
#Elliot Rodger
#HadleyFreeman
#TBBT

What Mr Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi need to know about rape and false rape accusations

The media shocked the world recently when they broadcasted insensitive remarks of CM Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi about rape:


 "rape accused should not be hanged. Men make mistakes... Handing death sentence for rape is not fair... boys make mistakes... there will be changes in the law if we come to power . Efforts will be made to change such a law so that those misusing it are punished. Those filing false reports will also be taken to task. When their friendship ends, the girl complains she has been raped." The SP chief was citing the recent example of the Shakti Mills gang rape case where a young photo journalist was gang raped by five men inside the compound, out of which three of the accused had also earlier raped a 19 year old girl. The three accused were given the death penalty. Following in the heels of Mulayam Singh, Abu Azmi of the Samajwadi Party went on to shock the nation further. According to a report in Mid-Day, he was quoted saying, "Rape is punishable by hanging in Islam. But here, nothing happens to women, only to men. Even the woman is guilty. In India, if you have sex with a person with consent, it's fine. But if that same person complains, it's a problem. Nowadays, we see a lot of such cases. Girls complain when someone touches them, and even when someone doesn't touch them. It becomes a problem then, and the man's honour is ruined in this. If rape happens with or without consent, it should be punished as prescribed in Islam."

Read more here, here and here.

The media, Bollywood and other prominent figures of India expressed their disgust and condemned this demeaning statement of our prominent politicians, but there is more to the story. These statements from people with power are not just personal opinions, they are proof that reflect illiteracy of these people with regards to human rights violations. It is lack of gender based education that makes people act this way.

In this article, you will find out the reality of false rape accusations.

Lesson # 1
Types of rape scenarios

The first thing you need to know about a rape accusation is that not all rapes are similar. There are different scenarios of rape that can be summarized under these headings:

Animalistic rape is one where the victim's body has been injured beyond repair or where weapons or tools have been used to inflict intentional pain.

Minor Rape is rape with anyone under 18, including infants.

Alcohol and drug Rape is one in which the victim is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If she is too drunk to drive, she is unable to give consent.

Gang rape is where more than one offender is involved for ex the gang rape that took place on Dec the 16th 2012 in Delhi.

Date Rape is when a male and a female are dating or in relationship when rape takes place.

Marital Rape is when the victim is married to the offender.

As you can clearly see that there are 6 kinds of rape scenarios and the possibility of a false rape accusation boils down to just the last 2!!!

There is no way any female would lie about the first 4 types because they are out of question. No human can destroy half their body on purpose just to accuse a man. Having intercourse with a minor is automatically rape with or without consent and every man must know that. Similarly drinking alcohol or taking drugs is NOT illegal in India for neither men nor women. But that certainly does not give others the right to take advantage of a drunk person, male or female. Same applies to gang rape.

Lesson # 2

Speaking of date rape and marital rape...

Yes, there are chances that few women might lie about being raped for whatever reason and our politicians seem to be much more worried about the false rape accusations than that of the real ones.

Again there are few myths that need to be cleared here:

Rape and False rape accusations are two entirely different issues. False accusations are common in all crime activities and comparably much lesser in rape crimes. Fighting for justice for a rape victim is equally important to fighting for the rights of an innocent man. Please note that neither of these two must be compromised under the benefit of doubt.



From what our patriarchal male society and these politicians suggest, there is clearly a benefit of doubt being given to men by compromising the rights of a rape victim.

Lesson # 3

Actual rape cases vs false rape cases

I understand the concern of our politicians though and have put together these statistics because numbers don't lie, right?

A recent report claimed that over 35% of rape cases were found fake last year after police investigation.

Meaning, in every 100, there are 35 women lying about rape.

Now consider the fact that "Ninety percent of the rape cases in India go unreported".

This would mean that the actual rape victims in India are many more than we know of. The ratio between real rape victims and false rape would be something like 155:35

While false rape accusations are an issue, it is a much smaller number in comparison to the mounting rape cases that actually happen in every day life of an Indian woman.

Lesson # 4

The woman that lies about rape:

The truth about women who claim to be raped falsely is also worth noting.

Many women take back their own claims or give a statement that they lied about it in marital cases. Often the husband is the man they love and when he asks for forgiveness and make promises, the woman has a change of heart and takes back her claims. Please note that, taking back these charges do not mean that the crime did not occur. It simply means that the woman is trying to be merciful, either for the sake of her children or her memories with that man.

In a country like India, women are also threatened for life if they report their rapists. More often than not, despite the FIR being registered, even the Police advises the victim and their family to take back their claims. This was clearly evident from the episode of Satyamevjayate by Amir Khan on fighting rape.

In the above horrendous case, how can one ever weigh the severity of rape cases against false accusations?

On one hand where thousands and thousands of young kids, girls, old women and happy women are ruined like plastic toys, are we really more worried about a few false accusations?

I am not saying that those falsely accused are of any less importance. Every living being has the right to justice, be it a man or a woman.

But if we live in a society where women can accuse men of false rape, why don't we teach our men to be careful???

Honestly, I have never heard or read any rules or guidebook advising Indian men to be careful with what sort of women they sleep with. Recently, there was a case in the news about a married woman who claimed to be falsely raped to hide an extra marital affair. In such cases, why don't we blame the man to make a choice to date a married woman in the first place? At this point, I can't say if the woman's claim is true or false but if I was a man, I would be careful in my actions.

Lesson # 5

Advice for men

As an activist for human rights, I truly think that instead of blaming women for everything that goes wrong in sexual assault cases, we must rather educate men on making wise choices. Here are a few pointers:

1. Don't sleep with any person under 18
2. Don't sleep with anyone on first few dates, unless you know her truly and are absolutely sure that she consents.
3. Don't sleep with anyone who is drunk even if they insist.
4. Don't assume you have anyone's consent if they are shy.

Lesson # 6

The 7th kind of rape: Manipulative Rape

Manipulative Rape is a special kind of rape. This is the grey area of all rape investigation. This is a scenario where the offender rapes a victim, not through violence or aggression but manipulation. This rape is the most difficult to prove because the victim may not have made any noise and there may not be any injuries on her body. For ex, if a doctor rapes a patient in the name of examination, or if a religious authority rapes a victim by taking advantage of her superstitious beliefs etc

This rape can be prevented to some extent by education. In most cases women are unaware of their rights and young girls are too scared or embarrassed to even understand what exactly has happened with them. Nevertheless, it must not be given any benefits of doubt and with the help of forensic science and polygraphs, I believe false accusations can be detected early and easily.

Lesson # 7

Even when a woman does lie about rape...

As mentioned above, the chances or rather statistics of women lying about rape accusations is really low. 

Nevertheless it happens and when it does happen, the alleged accuser or the woman goes through a greater degree of scrutiny and investigation than the alleged rapist. 

Her character is questioned.

Her company of friends, upbringing, family background, profession...

She runs the risk of losing her life.

Her eating and drinking habits, in fact every single aspect of her life is questioned in detail.

She has to relive the entire horrendous experience while answering questions. 

And mind you, the questions are ugly, embarrassing and too personal, invading the entire privacy of an individual. 

On being accused of false claim, she runs the risk of being abandoned by her personal and social circles. But in a country like India, just by admitting rape, the victim as well as her family faces a social boycott by the society. 

Please use your common sense and ask yourself, isn't that too big a price to pay for a false accusation???

Yes, there are false accusations but so does every other crime, why should only a rape victim's plea be discounted? 

Indian women are dynamic and when few can be Sania Mirza and Kalpana Chawla, there may be hundreds or thousands more, waiting to be discovered, only if we allow them to thrive. Women's safety must never be questioned because what father or brother would not want their sister's or daughter's to be safe? 

"Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses. "

Marie de Vichy-Chamrond

Love and Light

Shahla Khan

#rape #assault #TOI #NDTV #False rape #Mulayam Singh yadav #Abu Azmi #Satyamev Jayate #Amir Khan #justice #India #womens rights #human rights #violation