Why Are Single Independent #Indian #Women An Eye Blister For Their Families?

Yes, I’m talking about that one…

The one that doesn’t care about her ticking biological clock as much as the next door neighbor,

The one that rolls solo and is proud of it,

The one who doesn’t shy away from dating and keeping her standards high,

The one without an account on e-harmony, tinder or cheat-on-your-spouse. com…

Yes, I’m talking about the society’s nightmare- THE SINGLE, INDEPENDENT WOMAN! a.k.a me :)

Earning her own income, renting her own place, paying her own bills and buying her own groceries. What’s so wrong with that?

A while ago, I was having s causal phone call with my Mom across the oceans as she is in India and I’m in the UK currently. And we were discussing something about my next move when she said“tumhari bhi shadi ho jati to ham logo ki tension door hojati”…

Translation: “Oh how I wish if you had gotten married, our tensions and stresses would melt away”!!!

Few weeks back I heard another comment when it was my birthday and I was going out for dinner and a movie in the middle of the week when just the weekend before I had been to the open air cinema in town. When Mom called I mentioned this cinema thing casually when she said “you’re really enjoying your freedom huh? Not having to ask for permissions, going wherever you want, whenever you want”. I said “mom, this is my 20 something birthday!, I’m a grown woman, matured, adult….why do I still

need to ask for permissions?” To which she didn’t respond and changed the subject.

I tried this thing to slide over gradually but it stayed in my mind longer than other things. Pondering deeply over her occasional dialogues over my freedom, I can say for sure that my family resents my independence.

Compare my situation to that of my sister who is 3 years older than I am and was desperate to get married when she was 23 and by now she is getting over her second husband already. She has one child, has never worked a day in her life despite being a qualified dentist and now because she is a single mother, she started devoting sometime to my Dad’s business, only because she is now considering the importance of financial independence.

Even with that, she lives with my parents, like all, usual, Indian women and has depended on them for getting a paper photocopied from the copystore (there’s no printer, or computer for that matter, they use smartphones at the moment)!

During the times she was married, she had in-laws and husbands who would schedule her visits and phone calls to home and the control-freak husbands would never allow her step outside the house for leisure. Friends-what? what does that word mean? Oh, Indian wives are not allowed to have that in word in their vocabulary.

On the other hand, I travel 3 aircrafts and 1 bus journey of 48 hours in total all by myself every time I go home, not to mention travelling locally in the UK and Europe for conferences, events and education.

Patriarchy has long and deep roots in our culture where one happy single woman is the equivalent of 100 unhappy victims of domestic violence. What I mean is if I get married, squeeze out a baby or 10, get beaten up by the guy, get controlled by his family, spend my life washing their dirty dishes, serving them like an unpaid slave; that would be GREAT, SUPER, FABULOUS for the family!

Someone who doesn’t know Indian culture might not understand this but if you’re Indian, you know what I’m talking about.

You see, when you suffer in silence; society doesn’t know. Your neighbors are not asking creepy questions about you to your parents…there’s no scandal related to you just because you’re single, you make your own money so people always have doubts about what exactly it is that you do even though you’ve a freaking PhD!!!

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Onlooker's role in stopping DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

There can only be 3 types of people when it comes down to gender based violence.

1.       The offender

2.       The victim

3.       And the on looker or bystander

When we talk about gender based violence and crimes such as rape, domestic violence and stalking, we usually talk about defending or blaming the victim that is how the rape was or wasn’t her fault. On the offenders side is a similar argument whether or not he did it to display power and what punishment does he deserve etc. Almost 100% of our arguments are based either the victim or the offender, which does make sense. But what does not make sense is the ignorance of our attitude towards the on lookers. In this article I will talk about the role of an on looker and if you fall into this category, what is the extent of your power to bring gender based violence to an end.

An on looker is a person, who is neither a victim nor an offender. This means, you are an on looker if you have neither committed a crime nor have suffered one. But this certainly does not mean that an on looker is unrelated to the crime in anyway. Every on looker is 50% offender and 50% victim. As an on looker you certainly know about these crimes, they occur around you all the time, within your circle of friends or family and in the middle of the street.

When an on looker sees a man raising his hand on a woman, or hears a man making a lewd remark on a woman, he has a choice. A choice to either interrupt the man - make him realize that this is wrong, a choice to play along and support the man and lastly, to remain silent. An on looker more often than not chooses to be silent for the following reasons:

It is not my problem!

Why should I care?

He is not going to change just because I stop him!

Within my heart I think he is doing right!

The silence of an on looker is the biggest reason for the rising rates of gender based violence in every country around the world. Silence is CONSENT to the other person’s remark, do not forget that. Even if you did not join in the conversation or raise your own hand on a female, you are equally guilty for NOT saving the victim. When guys sit in groups hanging out and having fun, they often talk about women, which is fine unless the conversation become sexist. Calling names, making filthy remarks and abusing women is  NOT acceptable, even if there is no woman around! When a player sort of guy blabbers about how he fools women around, almost every guy in the group will salute and adore him. 

On the contrary, as an on looker, if you make the person realize what he said or did was wrong, he will get embarrassed. Assume the scenario in the family now. An uncle raising his hand on his wife or your brother abusing his wife and you hear it. Instead of being an on looker and minding your own business, you SHOULD interrupt and stop him, embarrass him for what he is doing and talk about it. Martin Luther King in his famous speech, I have a Dream, said that, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” 

It is not easy; it takes guts to speak up, especially when the matter involves other people. You will be accused of interruption and also find it not motivating enough to fight someone else’s battle. There could be various reasons why the victim is not reacting and that is not the point right now. May be your standing up for the victim could give her a reason to stand up for herself. It could boost her morale and finding another person not blaming her for a problem can be very encouraging. If there are other on lookers who are spectators to humiliation of women, your speaking up might give them a reason to speak up too. They would have thought about interrupting but the fear of peer retaliation might have kept them quiet. Instead of waiting for some person to interrupt, you be the one to initiate change.

Our society has been impregnated by filthy values of manhood and women humiliation and it keeps giving birth to men who commit these crimes thinking it is OK to do so. As on lookers, if we do not participate in the change in whatever way we can, we are also responsible for the rising statistics. The painful memory of the December 16^th 2012 Delhi gang rape is a perfect example of the role played by on lookers which led to victim’s death. In a busy metropolitan city, the capital of India, how many vehicles do you think would have passed by the victims when they were in the bus and on the street? Don’t you think a timely help could have saved her life?

There were mass protests and vigils carried out by young students after her death. But scarping the dirt of the society is not the job of just the youth of the society. There is a role to be played by each member of the society and specially the older, matured men who sit on important chairs in the government and run families as the so called “heads”. Each one of us has to realize our capacity to bring an end in whatever way we can to this nasty mentality against women- be it a one line lewd remark to a strange woman on the street, a name calling emotional abuse in the family or a rape behind a club. As an on looker, you have this role to play, now more than ever. Stop abuse before it turns you into a victim.

In the words of Napoleon Bonaparte, ‘Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent’. So be one of those who make noise, speak up and don’t be just another on looker!

By Shahla Khan

author, I Want Back My SPARKLE

The Manipulated Barbies of Today: why educated women are victimized by Domestic Violence?

The Manipulated Barbies of 2014: why educated women are victimized by Domestic Violence?

‘I am NOT this person! I am not a person whose husband beats her up.’

‘I know’

‘What do I do?’

‘You got to go to the cops.’

Defensively and aggressively, ‘he is the father of my child, Kate; I am NOT going to put him in jail’.

This is a conversation from the Hollywood movie ‘Enough’, from a scene where Jennifer Lopez, the protagonist, is trying to defend her abusive husband, who has just given her a black eye and a scar, last night. To unfold the true essence of this conversation and its association to the title, let us move ahead by providing a detailed Q and A.

Who are the Barbies?

Barbies are dolls, an epitome of perfection. The modern educated and working woman is the epitome of this perfect Barbie. She is qualified (mostly highly), independent and self sufficient. She is her own bread winner and chooses to be with a man only for the sake of love; not for financial support. This Barbie is also intelligent and smart; the olden days where geeks were assumed to be ugly are gone. This modern woman uses lenses, invisaligns and organizes her time appropriately between social and professional life. She flies aircrafts and moulds her palm on her children’s tiny fingers to teach them to write their first alphabet. This is the Barbie you see on ramp walks across New York fashion week and New Delhi Fashion week, alike. She is a (billionaire) pop singer, a TV artist making millions. She is perfection personified. She earns well and spends her hard earned cash on salon trips, shopping sprees, decorating her abode and travelling around the world. Sky is her limit.

How are they manipulated and by whom?

A general assumption elucidates that this Barbie is the arm candy; the trophy of a rich man’s home. She is a man’s prized possession (possession, for sure)! She is the ideal woman sought after by a typical man. Here is a typical matrimonial advert from a famous Indian Daily newspaper:

DELHI based (religion and caste) fair H’some 29/5’9” M.Tech. <IIT) 20 LPA seeks extremely Decent b’ful working girl, only Engineers. Email details (blah, blah, blah) 

The notion dictates that a wife material is a woman who is not just pretty but also highly qualified and also a working woman and they go as far as to quote the specific profession. Women are manipulated by such men who pick and chose women for their degrees and intrinsic value, rather than by their personalities.

Now imagine this woman; she is pretty like Katrina Kaif, works at some Tata company, earns a decent living and holds a stable status in the society. This woman assumes that she is a tough cookie. She has struggled, beaten competitions, survived hunger and homelessness, fought misery and finally achieved her goals. When a donation appeal advert flashes on TV from a rape or domestic violence survivors organization; she feels sorry for them. She has an image in her mind of ‘those women’. She is affirmatively positive that ‘those women’ belong to the third world countries, villages in particular, live in a hut made of hay stacks, walk to the river to fetch water and slave their lives away.

This Barbie is manipulated by her own beliefs in this case. She went to college and volunteered for women’s support groups. How could she ever see herself as a victim? Common sense also dictates that a woman, who is highly qualified, would know when the relationship gets abusive. She understands the boundaries between love and rage. She has all the contacts of the support groups in her area and is self protective. And as she is not financially dependent on a man for her living, it makes it all the more easier for her to move out the moment he crosses a line and terminate the entire relationship.

Shockingly, the truth is contradictory to common sense and popular belief. A study titled Association between education and domestic violence among women being offered an HIV test in Urban and Rural areas in Kenya (2012), suggests that women residing in rural areas with less than a primary education were 35% less likely to have experienced sexual violence compared to those who had a primary education.

Another manipulation strategy is the notion of ‘a-different-kind-of-love’. Most Indian daily soap lovers would remember the serial ‘Pratigya’ which was aired on Colors T.V channel and gained high TRPs. The so called love story began by a stalker (the son of a rich, local businessman) who goes so far as to threaten her entire family to get married to this girl who later falls in love with him. The male protagonist is a control freak, a temperamental, illiterate and chauvinistic man who ‘gets what he wants’ where as the female character Pratigya is a wise, educated and a respectable young woman. The success of the show in the later stages is evidence that it was very famous with the Indian audience. People accept the notion of ‘this-kind-of-love’ where the man is a psychotic monster with sporadic outbursts of derision and the woman is supposed to ‘understand-his-love’ and get along with it. Just because this man is happy as long as she does things his way, makes her feel that it is a true relationship.

We have a culture of manipulation. We envision romantic love in different ways and try to manipulate ourselves into thinking that my love story is the most intense and energetic. Thanks to books like Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, which add to the manipulation. Although the book itself does not suggest power, dominance and violence as there is an actual written contract to get the consent of the female character. But the desperation of this woman to be dominated by a rich man and her consent giving him the right to do whatever wants, signals an inclination of a woman towards such behavior by men. A derni cri, if you will. Readers loved it! Audiences want a movie on it! People are purchasing sex toys of the Fifty Shades brand and enacting scenes in their bedrooms. It sounds harmless and in fact unique. But when the role play ends and real life begins; it’s hard to tell. People do not draw the lines between an act and real life and when the curse of power and dominance and violent sexual assault takes toll; there is nothing but confusion and compunction. Fifty Shades of Grey is an ideal sexual fantasy of an average Western young female but in countries like India and Africa, that is the daily life of millions of women (as the statistics suggest) and trust me, it is more like Fifty Shades of DEATH for them.

Overall, women are manipulated by men, society, culture and their own perceptions of themselves. It can be a simple book, a daily soap, a movie, a best friend, an old lover and just in a flash of a second, you fall into the trap of manipulation, despite the education, despite the professional status.

What makes them vulnerable?

Education?

Work?

Bossy-ness?

Success?

Goal orientation?

Potential to fly?

All roundedness?

Beauty?

High income?

Lack of feminine delicacy and display of strength?

Yes, says Suzanne Venker, the author of few books favoring a similar argument. In her own words-

‘The so called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off’.

Also suggests-

‘Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families, it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them. They are not pissed off on women’s success but about never being good enough. Women are always suffering in one way.’

Surprisingly, there is some truth in her words. Yes, women’s revolution and the fight for her rights in education, work and social life certainly has some role to play. An article by Swapna Majumdar in WeNews (2003), titled In India, domestic violence rises with education, suggested various incidents where qualified working women were battered for their wants and needs to be equal. Another article published in the Forbes Woman by Meghan Cassely in 2012 was titled I only hit you because you have a job: working women and domestic violence. This article supported Suzanne Venker satirically and suggested that women get more masculine and bossy when they enter the workplace and articulate that behavior at home with their partners. Their partners feel emasculated and beat them up to show her where she belongs. It is also plausible that the edification of women’s knowledge about gender equality and her rights could lead to aggressive behavior when suppressed wrongfully which may result in an increase in domestic violence by their male counterparts.

The naked truth

1.      On the male batterer

Academic research suggests that when it comes to domestic violence by men, educated men are no better than uneducated men. Whether or not a woman goes out to work; if he is temperamental, he will show that off. It is not that men are pissed off because women are working and not giving them a chance to love and protect, as Suzanne Venker suggests. In fact, years ago, when women did stay home and took care only of domestic duties, their lives were made so unbearably iniquitous that they had to raise their voices and go out of the house for help.

If men were so perfectly taking care of their women, the entire birth of women’s revolution and the roots of Feminism would never have existed. It is a simple fact- my money, my rules. Men made it clear that they were the ‘HEADS’ of the families, not to protect their women, but to practice power (which they did not get a chance to practice in a civilized society). Their women needed protection from them, not from the outside world.

Defending men by blaming women that they complain about men ‘not being enough’ is also frivolity. Are you telling me that men do not come home from work and moan about their bosses, or nag their wives about shopping or food? The accusation on women on never being satisfied is also wrong. In the book, I Want Back My SPARKLE, the century old question is answered- what do women want? They need SPARKLE which stands for status of respect, power of speech, access to freedom, right to be happy, knowledge and wisdom, love not lust and existence as an equal. You let the woman SPARKLE and she WILL be happy. Yes, there are our own daily bumps in life and everyday is a new test but internally when a woman has her SPARKLE, she knows she is well. She does great in life because her mental health is perfect.

2.      On the victim

The biggest enemy of a Barbie is the self perception.

‘I am not one of those women’.

‘He is just upset because of our bills’.

‘I went to university’.

‘I am an independent woman’.

‘I am tough and can face anything and anyone’.

‘My Business school made me a LEADER and leaders don’t quit’.

‘I do not have emotional issues or trust issues’.

‘I am a modern woman’.

Education and good training does revolve around those principles. We are trained to see ourselves as a ‘one-man-army’ and fight our own battles. We do not run to our parent’s house for every setback in our life. We do not tell friends about our deep problems. We believe in that notion of strength and perseverance. Indeed the high degrees and workplace success suggest how great of a person we are. How well we can handle tough situations and how calmly we can work under stressful environments. We envision our homes like a New York Stock Exchange platform of chaos and cut throat race to win, only in our home it is with just one person and the woman loses either way.

You must be really confused by now trying to make sense of all this and understand the reasons behind the situation.

Whether or not education is any good?

Whether or not a woman is supposed to fight back?

Whether or not a woman should work for the peace of her home?

Why would an intellectual woman take all this from anyone?

The answer is this cycle.

Love- abuse- early trauma- rise in cortisol- shutting down of the brain- chronic depression- leading to more abuse- various mental and physical illnesses

Obviously, a modern Barbie is with this man because she feels that there is love and romance in the relationship. When this romance turns ugly, she defends the abuser because she loves him. She absolutely refuses to admit the fact that it is an abuse at all. She will make excuses for him. She will fight with friends and family for him. They will gradually grow apart and isolation begins.

Because of her high status at work and self esteem, she feels all the more ashamed to admit that she is victimized. The higher her status, the more the shame. In typical Indian and Pakistani culture, it is more about the ‘family honor’ and the desperate need to be looked upon as the perfect Barbie. This educated woman has an ego and she does not want pity. She does not want people to sympathize with her and make her feel miserable. She was trained to be a fighter and she thinks she can make things work with the guy.

What she does not realize is that an early trauma of abuse in the relationship has caused changes in her brain’s structure. These changes shut her brain down in simple terms and her mental power to run things on her own just diminishes before she even realize. A specific hormone known as Cortisol rises as a result of depression which leads to suppressed immunity, hypertension, bone loss, fat deposits around face, neck and belly, insulin resistance and carbohydrate cravings (the chocolate addiction) and much more. In scientific terms, her cerebral abnormality is the influence of early trauma on the neuro-developmental process.

No matter how many degrees this Barbie has on her wall and how many beauty pageants she may have won, abuse turns it all into dust. She is turned into a mental patient even before she can realize and admit the abuse. The shame and pitiful eyes of people make it even harder to admit the abuse. The Barbie is no longer perfection personified. She is just another statistic, just another case file on an emergency women’s support volunteer’s table, just another ‘one-of-those’ and no woman wants to be seen as either of these.

So, what does it mean?

This means that even the strongest of women can fall prey to abusive relationships and that Barbies who walk on ramps might have a black eye under those big black Prada glasses. Education has given women the right to breathe. No one can ever say that you must not educate your daughter, if you want her to not get battered by your son-in-law. Women grow when they study. They know about their rights and they make much better citizens than men. But when it comes to domestic violence, any association cannot be drawn between educational level and domestic violence because abuse attacks the brain. When the capacity to think and function normally in the social scenario is reduced to bits, you cannot expect the woman to function as usual. Education or no education, women are abused anyway. It is just a matter of luck and destiny that who they end up with. An uneducated and illiterate man can be a perfect husband and a rich and famous pop celebrity can be a psychotic freak (we have all seen that, haven’t we?).

Yet the notion of education is only half explored. Maybe if specific education on domestic violence, abuse, the cycle of power and control etc were taught, that would change things. Women would realize when they get vulnerable and be more open to admitting abuse than being repulsive. Training and coaching at ground level on preventional methods for both men and women could kill the root cause as well as the after effects of this disastrous epidemic which causes adverse consequences on the family, on children, the general productivity of the working class, the health professionals and the millions of tax dollars spent on providing medication and emergency services for victims.

Love does not have to be a fantasy like Fifty Shades Trilogy and it also does not have to be one of your MBA thesis assignments. Every couple has a lovers spat occasionally. Once in a lifetime, there can be a moment when you have an argument with a strange man who holds you tight against the wall in contempt and the next moment you find yourself sharing a passionate kiss and an animalistic wrestle to rip each other clothes and do the thing. But when that happens for the third time, (suggesting that you have a relationship with this man), you begin to dislike it because your mind is still on the argument, but you let the passion drift in and pretend to let go. When this happens for the sixth time, your libido is punching on your self esteem and you fight back by telling yourself ‘it is an intense and explosive kind of love, the one you read in books’. By the eighth time you do not want to participate and being forced into it make you a rape victim, which you still do not admit because you blame yourself for not feeling the same way.

The dialogues of Jennifer Lopez in the beginning of the article perfectly show that despite the abuse, she is highly defensive of her husband. Involvement of children makes things worse. One of the biggest problems of our culture and society is this image of the perfect Barbie. In the West, women are reduced to objects of sexual pleasure (watch James Bond movies, you will know what I am talking about) while in India, women are placed on the high pedestal of a Goddess. It’s high time now we place women into the category of human beings. Not dolls, not role playing slaves, not mystical goddesses, not powerhouse of strength, not trajectories of weaknesses. Just plain human beings!

By Shahla Khan

Who in the World does not want to have Sex?

Who in the world does not want to have sex?

Many! Find out what is wrong or right with you if you are one of them.

Sex is all about desire and passion but there is no guarantee that this passion will remain constant. One night stands are not counted in here because women may reject that package of sex just for moral reasons. But if in a serious relationship, be it as girl/boy friend or as a married couple, if there is a situation when your man is looking at the book of 101 positions and you are reading the 102 excuses book, there is certainly something there which needs attention.

Little things

The first and foremost reason is the little things that happen in your daily routine. It is the little things that make the major impact on your brain and signal your body into a closure phase. For example, if your man has done a series of things; left the towel on bed, make you cook and wash, spend all night watching football, made funny remarks about your dress or work etc, this will put you off. If you analyze each one of these excuses individually, you may not feel that the act is a deal breaker. No one gives a divorce for dropping towels on the floor, except for a celebrity may be. But most women hang on until something big happens to pop the ultimate question- I need a divorce or I am breaking up with you.

Although these little things do not lead you to divorce, they certainly cause a huge effect on your mood and of course the relationship. Have you noticed how you take your anger out on someone when the person who had upset you in the first place was absolutely someone else? Human beings act in a weird way and a series of little things against you can kill your intimacy towards your man. Men do not realize this because by nature men do not go into the details. They move on much quicker and may not even realize most of the times that they have hurt you. And many times if you complain, they will blame you for whining and nagging all the time.

Let me straight with you here girl! There is no right or wrong in this situation. If you feel agitated by your man, you are not moaner lisa, you are a perfectly normal woman. Men may call you ‘control freak’ but according to experience, 95% of women are control freaks. That means all women are control freaks. This does not mean that they are crazy; it only means that they pay attention to details and like to organize their work and life in a certain way. In business world, it is a highly prized skill. If your man does not appreciate you for that, he is not seeing the whole you.

Anyway, if you are happy the way you are and expressing your mood killer to your man makes him angry or defensive, now is the time to make a decision. Either you chose to go with his flow and accept his little nuisances as a part of life or you walk away. Yes, right now it may seem as not a huge reason to walk away but do you want to waste 3 more years for the reason to grow and then amputate the relationship?

Tina and Jeremy were in love like crazy. They had a long distance relationship and they were happy. When they met on vacations, they made love and grew as a happy couple. All the way long, Jeremy was a big fan of cricket matches. He spend most of his time watching cricket updates, following players on the social media and connecting with other cricket lovers. Apart from cricket, he would spend time with his laptop browsing all sorts of things. In the beginning, Tina did not see this as a habit because of the short time they spent with each other. After a considerable amount of their time together, Tina felt the heat. Jeremy was great, took care of her; but those moments when he spent time on laptop browsing useless non work related stuff, she needed his attention. In the beginning, she failed to see this as a big deal but after 3 years it turned out to be a deal breaker. Every time they met, Jeremy would either sleep or browse. He did not express his love or feelings and did not understand that the girl sitting next to him was weeping. Later on in bed, he would hug her and make attempt to consummate love; guess what? She hated him.

What do you get?

The second reason in the list is the give and take. What do you get in return? This may sound weird to ask this question in a serious relationship but trust me, it is important. NO relationship survives one way! Every, even the best of relationships are give and take which is actually the fair way to deal. Women by nature are givers; if they see a man is making a tiny effort, they will do twice more. But when all of a sudden the giving becomes one way, the major impact comes to sex.

You must have read and seen, if not been there, that when the woman is tired of work and kitchen all day, she is barely in the mood for running the sheets in the night. It gets even more complicated when kids wake you up pre dawn. But it is not always true. In a relationship, you DO things for the other person even when sometimes you are not totally UP for it. For example, your man is really tired from work but takes you shopping or for a drive to your favorite ice cream shop after dinner, just to cheer you up. He absolutely hates going out but he did it for you. You value his effort and later in bed when you may not be UP for it, you would give in to make him happy. Admit it or not, this is how relationships work. It must not be totally calculative though, but no one can deny that it is much easier to be nice to someone who has been nice to you.

It is also not hidden that many women get into relationships, plainly for financial reasons. I may not quote the Play boy Mansion relationships particularly but yes, women do get into relationships with men plainly to get material gains from them. In that case, whether or not the woman may feel the desire for sex, the desire for other gains will push her to bed. She may even pretend to be in a real relationship. This is where women train for those fake orgasms because real pleasure does not embrace fake bodies. May be lust can create the spark few times in the beginning, but very soon the spark will die and then the woman will only be calculating what would she gain by getting in bed.

Which way?

Sex is the glue which keeps couples together. The feeling of being exclusive to one person in the entire planet and one person being there only and only for you is highly romantic. It adds to the passion and desire in a relationship. But it requires sharing a comfort zone while doing the act. This comfort zone is the level of understanding and care the partners who for each other. Specially in serious relationships where partners have been together for a while, sex becomes a routine and more complicated.

Firstly, let’s talk about pleasure. Men must be really, really skilled at sex, much more than women. Why? Because of the physiological fact about female orgasm. Greek Mythology prophet Tiresias made it clear that a woman gets 9 times more pleasure than man during the orgasm and this was also supported by the status orgasmus scientific research according to which, a woman’s state of orgasm is much longer than that of a man. This has also been suggested that to achieve that state of orgasm, either self stimulation is needed or a highly skilled partner who can arouse the woman to that stage and satisfy her.

According to scientific research, most women require at least 20 minutes of sexual activity before the orgasm. If your man does not spend that much time in the foreplay, it is straight forward un-sexy. Your chances of getting pleasure out of the act are rare and you may straight forward not like it. Sex may seem like a chore when you know your man will not make an effort to pleasure you. You will be surprised how many women do not climax even in the best appearing relationships. This short coming of your man also further leads to widen the crack in your relationship which can soon shatter everything apart. Premature ejaculation, more than a medical condition is a willingness and option that your man must be ready to commit. Research survey showed that in casual hook ups, barely 40% women orgasm and men admit to ‘not care’ if their female partners did climax or not.

Second point is a step further into the act. Assuming that both you and your man are equally passionate about each other and making love is really an act of sharing quality moments of physical and emotional bliss for both of you. There can still be one reason why you may not want to have sex. While getting intimate, there are hundreds of things happening at the same time. Whatever you are wearing, you may not want to spoil it, if you are working on something important, you may not want to lose the flow of it, you may have just spread the expensive 2000TC Egyptian cotton sheets, you may have just come out of shower and may want to dry your hair before they turn into a frizzy mess etc

Particularly in bed, you may hate when your man steps on your long hair or you may feel choked if he is on top for very long, if his hands are really rough (lack of sufficient moisturizer or result of tough jobs) you may get hurt in literal sense, if he holds you tight enough to bruise you or if he simply does not care if you are cold. One may have a spasm in the feet or clamp in a muscle; it is not like porn videos in real life after all. When it comes to positions, there may be certain one that you do not prefer because of genuine medical reasons. Oral and anal sex needs very strong preferences.

No matter how many gifts your man shower on you or how much many times he says that he loves you during the day; you will hate his guts if he does carry on doing something in bed that you ask him not to. This is a male tendency to say things like ‘can you do it for me, my sake’ or ‘baby, I do everything for you, just give it a try’ or ‘I would do anything for you’, when they want women to do as they say. This is NOT love, it is manipulation. Even if you shut your mouth and carry on or let him carry on so he can climax and leave you the hell alone, ask yourself- was that making love? You may be surprised to know that this is ABUSE!

You have all the right to make choices in life, at work and even in bed. If you are being emotionally blackmailed or manipulated to perform acts, it is normal to NOT realize it in the beginning. Especially for women who are deeply in love with the man, they will do things against themselves to keep the man happy. This is actually the most common birth reason of abuse and rape in relationships. Women spend their entire lives trying to keep their men satisfied by doing everything possible and even the barely possible. This entirely kills a woman’s desire to be genuinely with the man and make pure love to him. If you are with a man who does only ‘his way’ in bed and makes up for his attitude later on by apologies and gifts, you are not with the right guy. You need help and grab the first opportunity you can to run away from such a man.

The core

The heart of any relationship is the ultimate faith that the couple shares. As a woman you feel sexy when your man does not make comments on every ass and boob he sees on the TV and when he does not care about who your friend is sleeping with. When you live with a guy, you get to know the real him. Making remarks on guys and girls on TV or in a restaurant is a common characteristic of both genders. Guys may have an extra eye to peek at women passing by. But men who constantly keep their eyes on a woman’s behind or bosom will soon itch you in the eye like a broken eyelash. And you will know exactly when it is OK and when it becomes too much.

Other example could be him admiring your friends or other women in words before you. There are certain acts like this which make women jealous and suspicious. Men certainly deny their act by saying ‘this is a part of being man’ but it is only up to you to accept or reject his reason. Actually a gentleman will never say such things which would make you uncomfortable or less attractive. But when it comes to jerks and perverts, the world has these in abundance. If you got one, drop him before you drop your self esteem.

All the other reasons make up the core of a relationship. In the heart of the hearts, if you have faith on your man and that he would never do anything to hurt you (on purpose), you will be one of those women who do NOT peek into the 102 EXCUSES book. For one reason or another if you ever are not willing to have sex, your man would understand that before even initiating the act. A woman who has given birth may obviously need some time to heal; no man needs to be told that. Or while on her period or when she is upset for any reason. When people say that they are upset and the partner immediately initiates sex, there is a dire need to rethink the whole relationship.

Sex certainly is a basic human need and the glue in a relationship but just like a child, sex must NOT be made a reason or tool to solve issues which already exist because whether or not you have sex; they won’t disappear. And if for those reasons, you do not want to have sex, you have all the right not to. Whenever there is a time that you do NOT feel like getting intimate, you can take a break but if this happens more often then you need to rethink the entire relationship because you deserve more care and he deserves all the sex he is not getting from you. If he can convince or manipulate another woman to be intimate with him by offering the same careless attitude- then good for him and good for you. Wish him good luck and say Sayo nara!

And You Thought Sons Are Preferred Because They Are Special...

Heard about violence against women in India? I bet you did. But men are not having a great life either. Find out the TOP OPPRESSION on Indian Men.

Since last few years, heart wrenching crimes against Indian women have come up in the media and brought India under the spotlight of international shame. While 92 women are still raped everyday in this country, there is no doubt that women’s safety is at high risk. Domestic Violence, stalking and other gender based crimes are highly prevalant in all cities and villages.

However, overlooking at the larger state of this nation, one could assume that while women are oppressed under the patriarchal society, men must be enjoying a great life. Or at least this is how it seems or is certainly easier to tell ourselves.

This is hardly the case though. Truth is always disturbing, uncomfortable and no one wants to talk about it, so I decided to go ahead and do the messy work of shedding light on that. This is in no way any comparison of men’s pains with those of women.

Infanticide or preferential killing of the girl child in India has risen in alarming numbers so much that the ratios of the entire regions have flunked. A girl child is NOT preferred, we got that! A baby boy is however welcome, we know that too J

Allow me to mention a shameful statistic here:

More women (81%) than men (76%) showed a preference for sons.

Can you guess why there is a preference for sons?

One of the top reasons is because he will earn money.

It sounds pretty natural and normal but it is far more twisted than it sounds.

In most families, men are the sole breadwinners. This makes them responsible to feed several mouths for their entire lives.

With the rise of the middle class, the unbearable income inequality and materialistic/capitalistic society, men feel the heat to not only feed those mouths but also maintain the family’s so called status.

If they earn a meager wage or take interest in social causes instead of working 9 to 5 at a corporate firm, they are ridiculed by their own parents, wives and siblings. Their worth is defined by their salary. No matter how young, dumb or impolite a guy is, as long as he belongs to a rich family, he will get the best girl he puts his finger on.

On the other hand, guys from the struggling class demand everything from a house to a vehicle from the girl’s family as dowry because they feel they deserve to get stuff in return as this is their one and only chance and achievement. While guys demand dowry and shamelessly feel they deserve it, girls are not innocent either. They give their fathers a hard time if they do not build a heavy dowry for her wedding. I have seen girls blame their parents for their divorces because they forgot to add the ‘power steering’ feature in the car they put up for her dowry.

Other men I see who flee to foreign countries for work, they are so disheartened with their families, they accept that they are nothing more than money making machines for their families.

They have to put up dowry for their sisters so they squeeze more out of the bride’s family and thus the cycle continues.

The twisted and sick way our society works has made men the donkeys that only exist to earn and pay our bills. Hence, they resort to violence as and when they please and barely ever say it out loud that they are struggling with financial issues. Not every guy is a millionaire but every family has expenses. Women, especially housewives do not see the world the same way men do (mostly)...

Status, wealth, competing with neighbors’, showing off in the social circle and among relatives is one of the most common cultural traits of Indians (sorry but the truth hurts).  Poor men are being shredded. They are preferred on birth not because they are god’s special little people; only because they can be turned into personal ATM’s for their families.

The Way Out

Gender Equality is only a word unless we take actions. As a woman, I recognize this pressure on men to earn and feed the entire family by themselves. This is not about thinking ‘oh poor guy, you have to wake up every morning and go to work’.  It is more like ‘hey, why don’t we both wake up and do the jobs we love, come back home, cook a lovely meal together and watch TV’.

I can speak on behalf of men that they don’t need our sympathy for being the breadwinners but they would certainly appreciate if we stop comparing them to other wealthy men, stop nagging them to buy the most expensive dress in the town, may be work from home or find a job, talk about our finances wisely with trusted bankers, stop asking AND offering dowry to show off how wealthy we are and finally stop preferring male child just so he would bring in cash.

When we speak of dowry, people see it only as a women’s issue but it is much more. It is after all the father, the sole breadwinner who pays for it. Isn’t that violence against men?

What Does the SLAP on Gauhar Khan Actually Mean? Is Indian Democracy is a JOKE ?

Gauhar Khan was publically hit on the face by a man who claims to be the best muslim man on earth probably which is why he thought that he had the right to 'slap' a woman because her dressing is not 'ISLAMIC'.

Objectification and sexualisation of women in the media around the world is an issue which needs a lot of debate and social change but harassing women in public is absolutely NOT the answer.

In general, Muslims feel that women like Sania Mirza or Gauhar Khan who gain fame and celebrity status are public property who they can make comments on. On this news, millions of muslims, many I know personally were happy and said that it was a good thing because these women are 'out of line'. According to them, this is not how 'a muslim woman must behave'.

On this I wonder,

Muslim men police around Muslim women to NOT wear skimpy outfits. But it is OK for Muslim men to watch non Muslim women wear skimpy outfits and become objects of their pleasure? What sort of Islam is that?

Women are considered a (public or private ) property of men who they can:

1. control- don't go out, don't see a man
2. harass- go out in a typical Muslim locality like Aminabad and you would know what I mean
3. objectify- they dance like hell on songs like Sheela ki jawani because women are like objects of desire for them
4. use- go make me tea, give me leg massage, go make me lunch
5. violate- rape, stalk or beat up women as and when they like

NOW CONSIDER THIS----

Salman Khan and Shahrukh Khan are Muslim actors too. Shahrukh married a non-muslim woman while Salman is well known for drunk driving. Other Muslims like Fardeen Khan and his dad Feroz Khan have stripped women off in their movies. But you will never see a Muslim 'SLAP' these men in public because 'they do not act the way a Muslim should'.

   

The problem in India with both Muslims and Hindus is that due to strong patriarchal beliefs, men tend to think that they are the 'GUARDIANS' of religion. They think they have the right to police others and preach religion and culture to women of their faith. Recently an incident at Lucknow Uinversity had the same outcome where some women were speaking about women empowerment and were harassed publically by ABVP guys claiming to be the guardians of Indian culture. BULL SHIT!!!

What I fail to understand is that why people don't see this as VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN?

Why is it OK to publically harass a woman in the name of religious policing but somehow heroic for a man?

Why don't people see that this is part of the same rape culture that blames the victim for the crime?

In this chaos, some people go as far as to claim that the actress did this for TRP! (seriously, no comments!)

Men in India believe that it is OK for men to whore around and beat up women in public. Not surprisingly, many women breathing under the same patriarchal darkness believe the same.

Keeping religious policing aside for a minute, India is the largest democracy in the world, as we know it. But in reality, I fail to see how INDIA can ever claim to be a democratic nation other than in papers. 

The true meaning of a democracy means equality and freedom at the core. I fail to see the equality and freedom in Indian culture at large where women are disgraced in public for their choices. 

Why do men feel priviledged enough to act like GOD in order to preach values?

Why can't women chose for themselves?

Why aren't other men not pointed, blamed or harassed when they do not conform to the religious or cultural values?

Harassment and violence is not what a progressive democratic society must use in any ways. 

However, when harassment also reflects INEQUALITY, its time to feel ashamed of the way we think and react to events like this. 

Thus, let me define DEMOCRACY for those of you who thought Gauhar Khan deserved the slap:

If Shahrukh married a non muslim woman, it is absolutely within his rights to choose whoever he wanted to marry.

If Salman wants to drink it is absolutely within his legal rights to do so as long as he doesn't drive and kill.

If Fardeen wants to dance around in whatever movie he wants, it is upto the censorship to decide whether it must be allowed in cinema or not.

If Gauhar wants to wear whatever she likes, it is absolutely within her legal rights. It is her body, her life, her choice. If Muslim men don't like it, shut your eyes and change the channel. 

PEACE OUT!