Are you single???

Are you single ?

“Ever thine,

Ever mine

Ever ours…”

Sounds touchy, isn’t it? Beethoven wrote these sometime in the past for his beloved and we all learnt about these in the film Sex and the City and we all fell in love with these words. Who does not want a man write these to them and kindle the romance on Valentine’s Day, when the whole world is turned red and white? This all sounds really good until you come across the basic fact that for all the romance, and love, you need a person to replicate the feelings: the only flaw in an almost perfect picture. I say it flaw because this is the tough part. 

As says a Hindi proverb, you can find God probably but you can hardly find true love. Being single on Valentine’s Day rubs salt on wounds and not every person feels proud to say it is OK to be single. Since the beginning of February, every year, when I notice the trees begin to prepare in welcome of new blossoms, the air fills with rose fragrances and all around I see red and white balloons, cards and flowers, it just melts my heart. It is amazing how much commercialization of feelings adds to the charm of the occasion. But honestly, a partner with a heart flowing with love is as good as a 10kg black forest cake, a large I LOVE YOU card, a bouquet made of 500 red roses and a stunning piece of jewellery from Pandora.

If you neither have a partner nor all this lovely stuff, it is a great time! I say great time because it is time for you to sit back and think:  what is the reason for you being single? How happy are you being single? Is this what you want from life? If you want to mingle, is it just to avoid being single for the sake of it or do you have genuine reasons to find a partner?

There is no right or wrong answers to these questions. It is all about what makes you feel happy. If you feel happy being single, then acknowledge it and do not feel embarrassed about it. If you are more of a sharing person and need someone to cuddle, then look for someone who wants the same.  The worst and most often seen case is when people end up with people who are absolutely different from them. If you are single and want to date in future, make sure you set your priorities straight with the guy. Otherwise you would end up single again very soon by the incompatibility. And all those depression related Ben and Jerry’s Baked Alaska ice cream will not help, neither would Ferrero Roucher or Thornton’s. So, what is it that would help?

10 steps to finding LOVE forever:

1.       Set your priorities straight when you are not worried or angry.

2.       Let go every single hurt from the past and clear your mind of all the pain and guilt. I know it is not easy but reading “Who moved my Cheese” can help a lot.

3.       Set your reasons straight for dating or partner search. Make sure you have genuine reasons not stupid crappy reasons like “he looks so cool” or “he has got a big car”. Looks and cars do not help when you fall and get hurt.

4.       When you do meet someone new, and they take interest in you, show them the real you. What is a person good for if you need to pretend, just to keep them happy?

5.       If you show your real self and the person seem to like you, get them talking: ask them what are they looking for exactly and question yourself if you can be that person. If you cannot, be polite and share your feelings honestly. It is better to break their heart now but break their life after sometime.

6.       If all goes well, then you are off to a new beginning. While you explore the new world of companionship and red roses, do keep in mind that “roses hurt”. Remember that no one is perfect and you will feel hurt sometimes. There will be arguments and misunderstandings, every relationship has. But this time you will realize, that if your reasons for choosing them were genuine, you will find a matured and sensible way to sort out, forgive and forget your issues. If your reasons were “because she looks hot” or “because he drives a Porsche”, this is where it will all fall apart like a stack of cards.

7.       If you are still together after the fights and learn to live in harmony, do not just sit back and relax.  Ursula Le Guin says “Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone;
it had to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.” Romance dies after a while and what you live is a daily routine life. It seems easy but that is the actual tough part. If both partners do not keep putting enough fuel to keep the candle burning, one will soon find themselves looking for Joey Greco from the program “Cheaters”.

8.       Change is the part of life. Events occur, feelings change and so do people. If you offer all the love and romance following point no 7 above, but do not get the same back, see the yellow signals. You need to be patient to understand if your partner is going through a tough time or need space, but if over a long period of time, you find yourself sacrificing and no efforts from the opposite side, it is climax time. Always remember, if it cannot be replicated, it is not “love”, it is “services”. Communicate and try to work things out being non judgmental and accommodating.

9.       If any of your priorities have changed and do not see things work out between you two despite the efforts and communication, it is time. It is better to mutually and cooperatively take separate ways than to smear each other with muddy insults and public embarrassment.

10.   If you can live through all this and still feel the same warmth on your cheeks you felt when you first heard them say “I love you”, this is a message to not let go and fight against life for them. Not many people reach to point 10 and often have to start over from 1 after they reach point 4 or maximum 5. But only if your partner is a match made in Heaven, you can make it till point 10. Don’t let them go.

In life, more than finding the Mr. Right or Miss right, it is about being right first. If you can manage to be right, then every day can be a Valentine’s Day, every hour can be a Valentines hour and every minute can be a Valentines minute. All filled with roses, romance and happiness. Remember, every single person is as lonely as you are and everyone appreciates a loving hug, a welcome smile and a listening ear. It is really that simple, if only people learn to replicate it, the world would not be that lonely you see.

To all those who are in love, and who hope to be one day- Happy and loving Valentine’s Day!

PUBLISHED IN CARDIFF TIMES 14.02.2013