The Manipulated Barbies of Today: why educated women are victimized by Domestic Violence?

The Manipulated Barbies of 2014: why educated women are victimized by Domestic Violence?

‘I am NOT this person! I am not a person whose husband beats her up.’

‘I know’

‘What do I do?’

‘You got to go to the cops.’

Defensively and aggressively, ‘he is the father of my child, Kate; I am NOT going to put him in jail’.

This is a conversation from the Hollywood movie ‘Enough’, from a scene where Jennifer Lopez, the protagonist, is trying to defend her abusive husband, who has just given her a black eye and a scar, last night. To unfold the true essence of this conversation and its association to the title, let us move ahead by providing a detailed Q and A.

Who are the Barbies?

Barbies are dolls, an epitome of perfection. The modern educated and working woman is the epitome of this perfect Barbie. She is qualified (mostly highly), independent and self sufficient. She is her own bread winner and chooses to be with a man only for the sake of love; not for financial support. This Barbie is also intelligent and smart; the olden days where geeks were assumed to be ugly are gone. This modern woman uses lenses, invisaligns and organizes her time appropriately between social and professional life. She flies aircrafts and moulds her palm on her children’s tiny fingers to teach them to write their first alphabet. This is the Barbie you see on ramp walks across New York fashion week and New Delhi Fashion week, alike. She is a (billionaire) pop singer, a TV artist making millions. She is perfection personified. She earns well and spends her hard earned cash on salon trips, shopping sprees, decorating her abode and travelling around the world. Sky is her limit.

How are they manipulated and by whom?

A general assumption elucidates that this Barbie is the arm candy; the trophy of a rich man’s home. She is a man’s prized possession (possession, for sure)! She is the ideal woman sought after by a typical man. Here is a typical matrimonial advert from a famous Indian Daily newspaper:

DELHI based (religion and caste) fair H’some 29/5’9” M.Tech. <IIT) 20 LPA seeks extremely Decent b’ful working girl, only Engineers. Email details (blah, blah, blah) 

The notion dictates that a wife material is a woman who is not just pretty but also highly qualified and also a working woman and they go as far as to quote the specific profession. Women are manipulated by such men who pick and chose women for their degrees and intrinsic value, rather than by their personalities.

Now imagine this woman; she is pretty like Katrina Kaif, works at some Tata company, earns a decent living and holds a stable status in the society. This woman assumes that she is a tough cookie. She has struggled, beaten competitions, survived hunger and homelessness, fought misery and finally achieved her goals. When a donation appeal advert flashes on TV from a rape or domestic violence survivors organization; she feels sorry for them. She has an image in her mind of ‘those women’. She is affirmatively positive that ‘those women’ belong to the third world countries, villages in particular, live in a hut made of hay stacks, walk to the river to fetch water and slave their lives away.

This Barbie is manipulated by her own beliefs in this case. She went to college and volunteered for women’s support groups. How could she ever see herself as a victim? Common sense also dictates that a woman, who is highly qualified, would know when the relationship gets abusive. She understands the boundaries between love and rage. She has all the contacts of the support groups in her area and is self protective. And as she is not financially dependent on a man for her living, it makes it all the more easier for her to move out the moment he crosses a line and terminate the entire relationship.

Shockingly, the truth is contradictory to common sense and popular belief. A study titled Association between education and domestic violence among women being offered an HIV test in Urban and Rural areas in Kenya (2012), suggests that women residing in rural areas with less than a primary education were 35% less likely to have experienced sexual violence compared to those who had a primary education.

Another manipulation strategy is the notion of ‘a-different-kind-of-love’. Most Indian daily soap lovers would remember the serial ‘Pratigya’ which was aired on Colors T.V channel and gained high TRPs. The so called love story began by a stalker (the son of a rich, local businessman) who goes so far as to threaten her entire family to get married to this girl who later falls in love with him. The male protagonist is a control freak, a temperamental, illiterate and chauvinistic man who ‘gets what he wants’ where as the female character Pratigya is a wise, educated and a respectable young woman. The success of the show in the later stages is evidence that it was very famous with the Indian audience. People accept the notion of ‘this-kind-of-love’ where the man is a psychotic monster with sporadic outbursts of derision and the woman is supposed to ‘understand-his-love’ and get along with it. Just because this man is happy as long as she does things his way, makes her feel that it is a true relationship.

We have a culture of manipulation. We envision romantic love in different ways and try to manipulate ourselves into thinking that my love story is the most intense and energetic. Thanks to books like Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, which add to the manipulation. Although the book itself does not suggest power, dominance and violence as there is an actual written contract to get the consent of the female character. But the desperation of this woman to be dominated by a rich man and her consent giving him the right to do whatever wants, signals an inclination of a woman towards such behavior by men. A derni cri, if you will. Readers loved it! Audiences want a movie on it! People are purchasing sex toys of the Fifty Shades brand and enacting scenes in their bedrooms. It sounds harmless and in fact unique. But when the role play ends and real life begins; it’s hard to tell. People do not draw the lines between an act and real life and when the curse of power and dominance and violent sexual assault takes toll; there is nothing but confusion and compunction. Fifty Shades of Grey is an ideal sexual fantasy of an average Western young female but in countries like India and Africa, that is the daily life of millions of women (as the statistics suggest) and trust me, it is more like Fifty Shades of DEATH for them.

Overall, women are manipulated by men, society, culture and their own perceptions of themselves. It can be a simple book, a daily soap, a movie, a best friend, an old lover and just in a flash of a second, you fall into the trap of manipulation, despite the education, despite the professional status.

What makes them vulnerable?

Education?

Work?

Bossy-ness?

Success?

Goal orientation?

Potential to fly?

All roundedness?

Beauty?

High income?

Lack of feminine delicacy and display of strength?

Yes, says Suzanne Venker, the author of few books favoring a similar argument. In her own words-

‘The so called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off’.

Also suggests-

‘Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families, it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them. They are not pissed off on women’s success but about never being good enough. Women are always suffering in one way.’

Surprisingly, there is some truth in her words. Yes, women’s revolution and the fight for her rights in education, work and social life certainly has some role to play. An article by Swapna Majumdar in WeNews (2003), titled In India, domestic violence rises with education, suggested various incidents where qualified working women were battered for their wants and needs to be equal. Another article published in the Forbes Woman by Meghan Cassely in 2012 was titled I only hit you because you have a job: working women and domestic violence. This article supported Suzanne Venker satirically and suggested that women get more masculine and bossy when they enter the workplace and articulate that behavior at home with their partners. Their partners feel emasculated and beat them up to show her where she belongs. It is also plausible that the edification of women’s knowledge about gender equality and her rights could lead to aggressive behavior when suppressed wrongfully which may result in an increase in domestic violence by their male counterparts.

The naked truth

1.      On the male batterer

Academic research suggests that when it comes to domestic violence by men, educated men are no better than uneducated men. Whether or not a woman goes out to work; if he is temperamental, he will show that off. It is not that men are pissed off because women are working and not giving them a chance to love and protect, as Suzanne Venker suggests. In fact, years ago, when women did stay home and took care only of domestic duties, their lives were made so unbearably iniquitous that they had to raise their voices and go out of the house for help.

If men were so perfectly taking care of their women, the entire birth of women’s revolution and the roots of Feminism would never have existed. It is a simple fact- my money, my rules. Men made it clear that they were the ‘HEADS’ of the families, not to protect their women, but to practice power (which they did not get a chance to practice in a civilized society). Their women needed protection from them, not from the outside world.

Defending men by blaming women that they complain about men ‘not being enough’ is also frivolity. Are you telling me that men do not come home from work and moan about their bosses, or nag their wives about shopping or food? The accusation on women on never being satisfied is also wrong. In the book, I Want Back My SPARKLE, the century old question is answered- what do women want? They need SPARKLE which stands for status of respect, power of speech, access to freedom, right to be happy, knowledge and wisdom, love not lust and existence as an equal. You let the woman SPARKLE and she WILL be happy. Yes, there are our own daily bumps in life and everyday is a new test but internally when a woman has her SPARKLE, she knows she is well. She does great in life because her mental health is perfect.

2.      On the victim

The biggest enemy of a Barbie is the self perception.

‘I am not one of those women’.

‘He is just upset because of our bills’.

‘I went to university’.

‘I am an independent woman’.

‘I am tough and can face anything and anyone’.

‘My Business school made me a LEADER and leaders don’t quit’.

‘I do not have emotional issues or trust issues’.

‘I am a modern woman’.

Education and good training does revolve around those principles. We are trained to see ourselves as a ‘one-man-army’ and fight our own battles. We do not run to our parent’s house for every setback in our life. We do not tell friends about our deep problems. We believe in that notion of strength and perseverance. Indeed the high degrees and workplace success suggest how great of a person we are. How well we can handle tough situations and how calmly we can work under stressful environments. We envision our homes like a New York Stock Exchange platform of chaos and cut throat race to win, only in our home it is with just one person and the woman loses either way.

You must be really confused by now trying to make sense of all this and understand the reasons behind the situation.

Whether or not education is any good?

Whether or not a woman is supposed to fight back?

Whether or not a woman should work for the peace of her home?

Why would an intellectual woman take all this from anyone?

The answer is this cycle.

Love- abuse- early trauma- rise in cortisol- shutting down of the brain- chronic depression- leading to more abuse- various mental and physical illnesses

Obviously, a modern Barbie is with this man because she feels that there is love and romance in the relationship. When this romance turns ugly, she defends the abuser because she loves him. She absolutely refuses to admit the fact that it is an abuse at all. She will make excuses for him. She will fight with friends and family for him. They will gradually grow apart and isolation begins.

Because of her high status at work and self esteem, she feels all the more ashamed to admit that she is victimized. The higher her status, the more the shame. In typical Indian and Pakistani culture, it is more about the ‘family honor’ and the desperate need to be looked upon as the perfect Barbie. This educated woman has an ego and she does not want pity. She does not want people to sympathize with her and make her feel miserable. She was trained to be a fighter and she thinks she can make things work with the guy.

What she does not realize is that an early trauma of abuse in the relationship has caused changes in her brain’s structure. These changes shut her brain down in simple terms and her mental power to run things on her own just diminishes before she even realize. A specific hormone known as Cortisol rises as a result of depression which leads to suppressed immunity, hypertension, bone loss, fat deposits around face, neck and belly, insulin resistance and carbohydrate cravings (the chocolate addiction) and much more. In scientific terms, her cerebral abnormality is the influence of early trauma on the neuro-developmental process.

No matter how many degrees this Barbie has on her wall and how many beauty pageants she may have won, abuse turns it all into dust. She is turned into a mental patient even before she can realize and admit the abuse. The shame and pitiful eyes of people make it even harder to admit the abuse. The Barbie is no longer perfection personified. She is just another statistic, just another case file on an emergency women’s support volunteer’s table, just another ‘one-of-those’ and no woman wants to be seen as either of these.

So, what does it mean?

This means that even the strongest of women can fall prey to abusive relationships and that Barbies who walk on ramps might have a black eye under those big black Prada glasses. Education has given women the right to breathe. No one can ever say that you must not educate your daughter, if you want her to not get battered by your son-in-law. Women grow when they study. They know about their rights and they make much better citizens than men. But when it comes to domestic violence, any association cannot be drawn between educational level and domestic violence because abuse attacks the brain. When the capacity to think and function normally in the social scenario is reduced to bits, you cannot expect the woman to function as usual. Education or no education, women are abused anyway. It is just a matter of luck and destiny that who they end up with. An uneducated and illiterate man can be a perfect husband and a rich and famous pop celebrity can be a psychotic freak (we have all seen that, haven’t we?).

Yet the notion of education is only half explored. Maybe if specific education on domestic violence, abuse, the cycle of power and control etc were taught, that would change things. Women would realize when they get vulnerable and be more open to admitting abuse than being repulsive. Training and coaching at ground level on preventional methods for both men and women could kill the root cause as well as the after effects of this disastrous epidemic which causes adverse consequences on the family, on children, the general productivity of the working class, the health professionals and the millions of tax dollars spent on providing medication and emergency services for victims.

Love does not have to be a fantasy like Fifty Shades Trilogy and it also does not have to be one of your MBA thesis assignments. Every couple has a lovers spat occasionally. Once in a lifetime, there can be a moment when you have an argument with a strange man who holds you tight against the wall in contempt and the next moment you find yourself sharing a passionate kiss and an animalistic wrestle to rip each other clothes and do the thing. But when that happens for the third time, (suggesting that you have a relationship with this man), you begin to dislike it because your mind is still on the argument, but you let the passion drift in and pretend to let go. When this happens for the sixth time, your libido is punching on your self esteem and you fight back by telling yourself ‘it is an intense and explosive kind of love, the one you read in books’. By the eighth time you do not want to participate and being forced into it make you a rape victim, which you still do not admit because you blame yourself for not feeling the same way.

The dialogues of Jennifer Lopez in the beginning of the article perfectly show that despite the abuse, she is highly defensive of her husband. Involvement of children makes things worse. One of the biggest problems of our culture and society is this image of the perfect Barbie. In the West, women are reduced to objects of sexual pleasure (watch James Bond movies, you will know what I am talking about) while in India, women are placed on the high pedestal of a Goddess. It’s high time now we place women into the category of human beings. Not dolls, not role playing slaves, not mystical goddesses, not powerhouse of strength, not trajectories of weaknesses. Just plain human beings!

By Shahla Khan