And You Thought Sons Are Preferred Because They Are Special...

Heard about violence against women in India? I bet you did. But men are not having a great life either. Find out the TOP OPPRESSION on Indian Men.

Since last few years, heart wrenching crimes against Indian women have come up in the media and brought India under the spotlight of international shame. While 92 women are still raped everyday in this country, there is no doubt that women’s safety is at high risk. Domestic Violence, stalking and other gender based crimes are highly prevalant in all cities and villages.

However, overlooking at the larger state of this nation, one could assume that while women are oppressed under the patriarchal society, men must be enjoying a great life. Or at least this is how it seems or is certainly easier to tell ourselves.

This is hardly the case though. Truth is always disturbing, uncomfortable and no one wants to talk about it, so I decided to go ahead and do the messy work of shedding light on that. This is in no way any comparison of men’s pains with those of women.

Infanticide or preferential killing of the girl child in India has risen in alarming numbers so much that the ratios of the entire regions have flunked. A girl child is NOT preferred, we got that! A baby boy is however welcome, we know that too J

Allow me to mention a shameful statistic here:

More women (81%) than men (76%) showed a preference for sons.

Can you guess why there is a preference for sons?

One of the top reasons is because he will earn money.

It sounds pretty natural and normal but it is far more twisted than it sounds.

In most families, men are the sole breadwinners. This makes them responsible to feed several mouths for their entire lives.

With the rise of the middle class, the unbearable income inequality and materialistic/capitalistic society, men feel the heat to not only feed those mouths but also maintain the family’s so called status.

If they earn a meager wage or take interest in social causes instead of working 9 to 5 at a corporate firm, they are ridiculed by their own parents, wives and siblings. Their worth is defined by their salary. No matter how young, dumb or impolite a guy is, as long as he belongs to a rich family, he will get the best girl he puts his finger on.

On the other hand, guys from the struggling class demand everything from a house to a vehicle from the girl’s family as dowry because they feel they deserve to get stuff in return as this is their one and only chance and achievement. While guys demand dowry and shamelessly feel they deserve it, girls are not innocent either. They give their fathers a hard time if they do not build a heavy dowry for her wedding. I have seen girls blame their parents for their divorces because they forgot to add the ‘power steering’ feature in the car they put up for her dowry.

Other men I see who flee to foreign countries for work, they are so disheartened with their families, they accept that they are nothing more than money making machines for their families.

They have to put up dowry for their sisters so they squeeze more out of the bride’s family and thus the cycle continues.

The twisted and sick way our society works has made men the donkeys that only exist to earn and pay our bills. Hence, they resort to violence as and when they please and barely ever say it out loud that they are struggling with financial issues. Not every guy is a millionaire but every family has expenses. Women, especially housewives do not see the world the same way men do (mostly)...

Status, wealth, competing with neighbors’, showing off in the social circle and among relatives is one of the most common cultural traits of Indians (sorry but the truth hurts).  Poor men are being shredded. They are preferred on birth not because they are god’s special little people; only because they can be turned into personal ATM’s for their families.

The Way Out

Gender Equality is only a word unless we take actions. As a woman, I recognize this pressure on men to earn and feed the entire family by themselves. This is not about thinking ‘oh poor guy, you have to wake up every morning and go to work’.  It is more like ‘hey, why don’t we both wake up and do the jobs we love, come back home, cook a lovely meal together and watch TV’.

I can speak on behalf of men that they don’t need our sympathy for being the breadwinners but they would certainly appreciate if we stop comparing them to other wealthy men, stop nagging them to buy the most expensive dress in the town, may be work from home or find a job, talk about our finances wisely with trusted bankers, stop asking AND offering dowry to show off how wealthy we are and finally stop preferring male child just so he would bring in cash.

When we speak of dowry, people see it only as a women’s issue but it is much more. It is after all the father, the sole breadwinner who pays for it. Isn’t that violence against men?

What Does the SLAP on Gauhar Khan Actually Mean? Is Indian Democracy is a JOKE ?

Gauhar Khan was publically hit on the face by a man who claims to be the best muslim man on earth probably which is why he thought that he had the right to 'slap' a woman because her dressing is not 'ISLAMIC'.

Objectification and sexualisation of women in the media around the world is an issue which needs a lot of debate and social change but harassing women in public is absolutely NOT the answer.

In general, Muslims feel that women like Sania Mirza or Gauhar Khan who gain fame and celebrity status are public property who they can make comments on. On this news, millions of muslims, many I know personally were happy and said that it was a good thing because these women are 'out of line'. According to them, this is not how 'a muslim woman must behave'.

On this I wonder,

Muslim men police around Muslim women to NOT wear skimpy outfits. But it is OK for Muslim men to watch non Muslim women wear skimpy outfits and become objects of their pleasure? What sort of Islam is that?

Women are considered a (public or private ) property of men who they can:

1. control- don't go out, don't see a man
2. harass- go out in a typical Muslim locality like Aminabad and you would know what I mean
3. objectify- they dance like hell on songs like Sheela ki jawani because women are like objects of desire for them
4. use- go make me tea, give me leg massage, go make me lunch
5. violate- rape, stalk or beat up women as and when they like

NOW CONSIDER THIS----

Salman Khan and Shahrukh Khan are Muslim actors too. Shahrukh married a non-muslim woman while Salman is well known for drunk driving. Other Muslims like Fardeen Khan and his dad Feroz Khan have stripped women off in their movies. But you will never see a Muslim 'SLAP' these men in public because 'they do not act the way a Muslim should'.

   

The problem in India with both Muslims and Hindus is that due to strong patriarchal beliefs, men tend to think that they are the 'GUARDIANS' of religion. They think they have the right to police others and preach religion and culture to women of their faith. Recently an incident at Lucknow Uinversity had the same outcome where some women were speaking about women empowerment and were harassed publically by ABVP guys claiming to be the guardians of Indian culture. BULL SHIT!!!

What I fail to understand is that why people don't see this as VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN?

Why is it OK to publically harass a woman in the name of religious policing but somehow heroic for a man?

Why don't people see that this is part of the same rape culture that blames the victim for the crime?

In this chaos, some people go as far as to claim that the actress did this for TRP! (seriously, no comments!)

Men in India believe that it is OK for men to whore around and beat up women in public. Not surprisingly, many women breathing under the same patriarchal darkness believe the same.

Keeping religious policing aside for a minute, India is the largest democracy in the world, as we know it. But in reality, I fail to see how INDIA can ever claim to be a democratic nation other than in papers. 

The true meaning of a democracy means equality and freedom at the core. I fail to see the equality and freedom in Indian culture at large where women are disgraced in public for their choices. 

Why do men feel priviledged enough to act like GOD in order to preach values?

Why can't women chose for themselves?

Why aren't other men not pointed, blamed or harassed when they do not conform to the religious or cultural values?

Harassment and violence is not what a progressive democratic society must use in any ways. 

However, when harassment also reflects INEQUALITY, its time to feel ashamed of the way we think and react to events like this. 

Thus, let me define DEMOCRACY for those of you who thought Gauhar Khan deserved the slap:

If Shahrukh married a non muslim woman, it is absolutely within his rights to choose whoever he wanted to marry.

If Salman wants to drink it is absolutely within his legal rights to do so as long as he doesn't drive and kill.

If Fardeen wants to dance around in whatever movie he wants, it is upto the censorship to decide whether it must be allowed in cinema or not.

If Gauhar wants to wear whatever she likes, it is absolutely within her legal rights. It is her body, her life, her choice. If Muslim men don't like it, shut your eyes and change the channel. 

PEACE OUT!

The Dark Side of Women: Men Beware- Watch Gone Girl

This post is a review and discussion of the recently released #Gone Girl, by writer #Gillian Flynn.

Let me begin by saying that I liked the entire movie but disliked the end. I don’t want to say why because that would be a spoiler for those willing to watch the movie.

Apart from the acting, dialogue and other cinematic aspects, I found the breaking of the gender stereotype extremely interesting.

We usually see men as psychopaths and criminals in the world. Women in movies like Fatal Attraction are depicted as obsessed crazy ex girl friends which gives them a motive to haunt the guy. However, it is fair to say that female characters are disproportionately portrayed as psychopaths and criminals in the media.

In Gone Girl, the character of Amy is a fresh attempt in itself because she is not the ex girl friend or an obsessed fan, she is his wife. A wife controlling and manipulating her husband is not a common thing to view.

 When the movie begins and Amy begins her side of the story, she had all my sympathy and I was disgusted by her husband, the way he was behaving and treating her.

I am single, never married so I cannot vouch for the tagline that marriage can be a real killer. But I do know that couples argue, sometimes agree to disagree and other times go too far to hurt each other and end up divorced. In most cases, the sympathy of the viewer is with the woman. It is easier to assume that the man must be abusive and violent because that is how our society raises men to be; emotionless, dominant and aggressive.

However, the fact is not all men are aggressive and violent.  Similarly, not every woman is a victim. Domestic violence is much more complex than one person oppressing another. What meets the eye isn’t always true. Women can be abusive not only towards men but also towards their own children. The dark side of women is usually not talked about.

The purpose of this post was to highlight the issue of feminism seen as the same as man hating. While feminism is a struggle for the rights of women, this wave of feminism is also advocating the rights of men, LGBTQ and asexual people. Specifically men.

I haven’t personally witnessed a woman as creepy as Amy in the movie, but I know few women who are extremely violent, aggressive, and competitive and have successfully isolated their husbands from their families.

To be fair and balanced in my approach to human rights and feminism, I don’t want a world where women’s rights are accomplished at the expense of innocent men and children. It’s not a parallel universe where things could be different; it’s here, now. The discussion of gender based violence is incomplete without recognizing the rights of men and children too.

For those of you who think feminism is all about criticizing and hating men, I have a message:

Yes, patriarchy must end but not replaced by matriarchy. Women being dominant and given more wages, respect and attention isn’t equality. It’s just a flipped version of what our society is today.

For the society to be progressive, it is crucial to respect human beings regardless of their gender, age, color, sexual orientation and sizes.

Gloria Steinem puts it correctly

#Gone Girl  #Gillian Flynn #genderstereotype

#fimreview

#womensrights

#feminism

#sexism

#mensrights

2 Lies We Need to Stop Telling Indian Men

Patriarchy hurts men too; I guess we already established that. The toxic myths of masculinity suppress men’s emotions and personalities altering the real person entirely.

Indian men have seen the worst of it because of extreme sexism, racism and classism.

When I say, ‘the rights of Indian men’, most people look at me with raised eyebrows. I don’t blame them. Since the last few years, all the cases of violence against women have been paramount. India has been labeled as the worst place in the entire world to be a woman. No doubt, women are suffering the burnout but I would like you to know a few things.

Let’s talk about rape. Do you know that 4% of men commit more than 97% of sexual offences? That means these men are repeat offenders. This also means that most men out there are not rapists. Although the stats are not from India but on average this statistic is applicable almost everywhere in the world give or take few numbers.

However, the male community shares that outrage with the actual criminals. If you think about it, the actual culprit here is the system- patriarchy. It’s not the men because they are victims too.

I know you may not want to admit that. After all the word victim somehow challenges their masculinity. But the truth is it’s just a myth. Masculinity does NOT imply that men cannot be vulnerable.

Read Here

Why Stereotyping All Women As Victims Is A Deadly Mistake Our Society Is Making

I was at a famous mall in Dubai. In the same cookies aisle as I was, there was a couple with a toddler. Malls in Dubai are magnanimous and probably the child was tired of walking. He was pestering his parents to buy some cookie and within minutes his words turned into loud screams. Both the parents pinned him by his arm and threw heavy weight palms to smash his face, back and whatever they could hit.

Read more here

3 Awesome #Blurred Lines Songs That Will Make You LOL And ROFL Like Never Before in Life

Hello my brilliant readers,

So, we had the #blurred lines song discussion since the pop song by Robin Thicke was out. Some of us loved it, many of us hated it because of the sexist lyrics, choreography (everything in fact) and made sure the song gets banned at as many places as possible.

However, since the song #blurred lines sort of was an open ended one point story out there,....there had to be answers right. The other part of the story that gives us the entire picture. You may have seen these videos before, but if you haven't, you will literally roll on the floor laughing until your stomach hurts. 

3rd best on the list is 

#GOAWAY

2nd best on the list is

#EVERYBIGOTSHUTUP :D

And the WINNER IS....

#DOUCHE

I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. There couldnt be a better way of responding to the chauvinistic, misogynistic songs like this. Keep up the good work all you THINKERS AND DOERS out there.

God Bless,

Love and Light

Shahla

#lamelines

Finding Me A Husband??? Here Is My Matrimonial Bio Data- GOOD LUCK

Arranged marriages in India are mainstream. A friend of the family has been extremely worried about me turning 28 and still single. Her worry can be felt in her questions every time we happen to chat such as:

“Poor you, why did you go for a PhD, now how are you ever going to find a man who doesn’t feel intimidated?”

“I can understand your pains how difficult it is to be without a man.”

“You must be sleepless at nights! How are you ever going to stop your biological clock until you find the perfect husband?”

“Send me your bio data, I will find you a rich family guy, I promise.”

Since, she insisted on the last one ad infinitum, I decided to make my matrimonial bio data at last and send it to her so she can find me a guy. Not to mention she blissfully ignores that there is an option of ‘voluntary singlehood’ that women can choose too, other than marriage. Anyways, here it goes…

Read more here...

6 COOL THINGS GUYS CAN DO TO STOP STREET HARASSMENT

Street Harassment is a form of violence agaisnt women that hurts when in public spaces in broad day light. Yet not many people speak against it. Any sort of flashing, commenting, staring, groping, mockery or extreme assault like rape MUST come to an end. A street is to use and enjoy for others as much as it is for you. Cool guys, you know, the ones who are not perverts.... can actually do a lot to help but sometimes they dont know how to. Here are some easy and quick ideas. For more information, please log on www.safespaceseurope.com

The Untamable Indian Woman

Yes, I am the one

The untamable, the un-trainable,

The one that got away,

The one you couldn’t discipline,

The one that did not listen,

To your billion year old tradition

Rather came up with her own mission

The mission to live life on her own terms

To spend every second the way she wants.

 You call me a control freak because you can’t control me.

You hate my wings, my ambitions.

You scare me with monsters in clothes of men

That threaten to rape, molest and harass,

Well guess what, you can’t do that any more

Cause men are now in my class.

They love me like a daughter and care for me like a brother,

And others just admire the woman that I am

Like a companion, a partner, a lover, a human.

You can’t force them to train me,

Surprise- surprise they hate you now more than ever

You can’t preach them to chain me.

Yup, I am guilty of living a life

Guilty of spitting in the face of patriarchy,

Save your BS male guardianship to yourself

I got no time for malarkey.

My best friends are not gold or diamond,

I believe in real people, who care,

Diamonds don’t hold hands or give hugs

People will always be there.

I used to believe in sacrifice and love,

Now I believe in dating more

I am not letting you ‘arrange’ my marriage

And dump a husband on me, I don’t adore.

Beware; I am not your ‘slim, tall, beautiful, fair’ girl

That you look for in your crappy ‘pick a spouse catalogue’,

I look messy, love cakes and don’t cook everyday

And I do love a healthy intellectual dialogue.

I am not changing my surname for any god damn reason,

I’m not quitting my entire life to wash your laundry,

Some call me selfish; some call me a bitch,

I call it being too smart for paltry.

A woman can move the earth, fly in the sky, run marathons, and dive in the oceans,

Kick, punch and compose and create and define, and encourage

But you only let her wash and clean and cook and shut up,

In the name of the holy institution of marriage.

Why is that? Why must she stay indoors?

Are you scared she will do everything better than you?

If not, let her live her life, her way

And see what happens, I dare you.

With love

From ‘the Untamable Indian Woman’

The Often Ignored Reality Of Male Rapes In India, And The Need For Its Legal Recognition

The Often Ignored Reality Of Male Rapes In India, And The Need For Its Legal Recognition

4 Most Common Impacts of Domestic Violence on Mental Health

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Find out more on www.safespaceseurope.com

5 Myths and Facts Around Sexual Assault

1 in 4 women are victims of sexual assault. Our perceptions need more corrections than laws. Learn and inspire others to share the facts to bring an end to assault.

5 Things That Shock Me About Priety Zinta's Complaint Against Ness Wadia

Priety Zinta, a famous Bollywood actress and entreprenuer recently filed a complaint against her ex boyfriend of 10 years at Mumbai Police Station. As one can imagine, the news spread like wildfire. When such issues come up in the mainstream media however, shocking reactions emerge. What shocks me about this case are 5 things:

1. Title- Love Gone Wrong on #ZEE NEWS
Zee News recently broadcasted a show titled 'Love Gone Wrong' where the media debated with a few panelists about it. Although the intent of the media seemed unskeptical, the way they handled it was ignorant and wrong on so many levels. As an author and researcher on violence against women, I see the title of the show as derogatory. Why couldnt they just say- Bollywood actress complains against such and such person... They said they tried to be sensitive to her feelings but if you see the the images, the music, the headings, subtitles, it is clear that it is catered more for the purpose of entertainment and gossip into a celebritys life. If you disagree with me, just think about this...

What if your relationship ended and it was publically discussed among people who you dont even know, passing their judgment on you? 

Would you even be able to bear if your private life was discussed in public like this? Actresses are professionals who entertain people but they are NOT public properties. Why dont people learn to draw boundaries? The news reporter said that she had been waiting at the gates of the actresses home all day but Priety did not come out and only tweeted that please do not make a soap out of my misery. Isnt that enough message that she needs privacy?

2. No Mention of Domesic Abuse
Another schoking fact is that NO ONE mentioned her complaints as domestic violence or abuse. She clearly said that this had been happening since a long time. For those of you who do not know,

a victim of domestic violence takes somewhere between 7 to 15 attempts to finally break up with her abuser. 

What Priety describes of Ness in her complaint is plain verbal, psychological and physical abuse if not sexual as Abha Singh debated. Since they had already broken up, his abuse could fall into the category of stalking but because they still kept seeing each other for professionals reasons, this is not stalking but domestic abuse.

Shockingly, none of the people on the panel recognized it as such. Ignorance isn't such a bliss.

3. Actress Needs Attention
It is shameful for Indians to even say such a thing. As an actress, she has more to loose than the reputation of an ordinary woman. But instead of her status, lets focus on the fact that when a woman from a poor household, uneducated family makes a complaint, she is disregarded by our so called patriarchal society for petty reasons like she isnt worth it, this is her life, deal with it. When an educated women from a high profile background makes such complaint, people say she seeks attention.
The oddly funny and ugly thing is

Indian society always finds an excuse to blame the woman. So much for VICTIM BLAMING.

4. Diplomatic answers from Bollywood
Rakhi Sawant may be hated in India for being a loud mouthed woman and her quirks but at least she had the guts to stand by Priety Zinta out of sheer faith. Rani Mukherjee and several other actors and actresses gave awfully diplomatic answers when the media questioned them about their opinions. Specifically Rani Mukherjee, who has been a co star of Priety's gave such a nonsensical reply. She was promoting her recently released film Mardani- which she claims is about "women empowerment". Please read how ignorant this movie and Rani Mukherjee herself are here.

But keeping the movie aside, this was a platform to stand in solidarity with a woman in real life, her fellow, her mate and she simply skipped over it saying this platform is for my movie only. WTF seriously. She did not even recognize Priety as a friend, instead merely as a colleague and a 'decent person'. Arent you promoting the rights of women? Or the naked truth is that you are ONLY promoting your movie and the reality does not bother you at all because Ness Wadia is a powerful man and you are scared may be...

Family, friends and fans can support the survivor without revictimization by simply not invading their privacy and saying we are with you. How difficult is that?

5. Ignorance on Trauma and Secondary Victimization of Victim
It seems like no one at all, from top to bottom has any concern for secondary victimization of the complainant. This is a case of psychological trauma where a woman has been abused and subjected to humiliation. But people do not seem to recognize that asking her story again and again or constantly quoting her FIR statements on the media accounts to prolong her trauma.

From the media, to the actors, institutes, politicians and community, India is a loooooooooonnnggg way to learn about violence against women which currently seem to be limited to candel light vigils and media entertainment.

Stay Safe, Stay Blessed,
XOXOX

PS
Love and Hugs to Priety, thats all you need lady!


#zeenews
#prietyzinta
#ranimukherjee
#rakhisawant
#india
#bbc
#upworthy
#TOI

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

Why do Indians Continue to Reinforce Ignorant Messages About Feminism and Gender Based Violence?

http://wp.me/p4THXv-1D

The Last Thing You MUST Know About #BlurredLines

#Blurred Lines has been one of the most talked about phrases since the song based on the same name created havoc last year. 

In case you haven’t heard it, you can easily find it on Youtube. It was banned at many student organisations due to the sexist lyrics and for promoting misogyny and rape culture. 

On the one hand you will see feminists protesting against the usage of this phrase completely rejecting its premise while on the other hand you will find a large number of young people who believe otherwise. Let’s dig deeper and find out what it means and why it’s important.

In the hook up culture, sexual double standards prevail, we all know that. This means, women who are open about their choices, dating preferences and lifestyle are often labelled as ‘promiscuious’ (using the better word).
Read more

What Are You Doing About RAPE

Are women allowed to laugh? (This question makes me ROFL)

Read here

The Story of Maryam Mirzakhani and a Misogynist

It began when I met my friends, a married couple for coffee.

“Hey Adam, did you see this news about Maryam Mirzakhani?”

“No, what is it about?”

“Well, she is a professor at Stanford University, now the first woman ever to win the Fields Medal, the highest honor possible for a mathematician and she is from your country!” I boasted as I shared her photograph on my phone.

After a moment he said, “She doesn’t look very pretty”.

Read further here

Are/Were Your Parents Friends With One Another? How does that impact on you?

For a while now we have been talking about friendship between men and women and how it is an important measure to bring an end to gender based violence. For this post I want to share something very crucial that shapes who you are today with regards to your beliefs around gender inequality. 

“Are your parents friends”?

Think of the time when you were a kid/baby…

Go as far as your memory allows.
Read here

Why Corporate Men Avoid Discussing Rape & Abuse And Consider These To Be ‘Women’s Issues’

Read here

A Very Public "I LOVE YOU" for the man I adore

For those of you who don't know him, he is in his 60's and very much non-retired, working 10 hours day, 6 days a week and prays (sometimes more than) 5 times a day.
The man with a pen between his fingers and a smile on his lips- my Dad!

My Dad is not a typical rough and tough macho sort of a guy. He is more like the inner strength and love and humour kind of dude (like Steve Martin). What else could you expect from a Diplomat but diplomacy and sophistication? He dedicated his life serving His Royal Highness, Prince Muqrin Bin Abdul Aziz, (who is next in line for throne in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia,) for 30 years before he finally moved to India. With a professional credential like this, he has never known pride and arrogance. He is kind to the strangest and weirdest of people and patient towards the most hateful.

Being an Indian Muslim of strong Islamic values he never fitted in with the typical orthodox men. He raised his daughters with all the freedom and love he possibly could muster and the only goal he followed was to teach us how to be good human beings.

The best way for a father to show his love for his children is to LOVE THEIR MOTHER and my Dad never fell short of love for his 'Salma'- my Mom :P

At this point I am miles away, seven seas across and I desperately want him to know that I LOVE HIM and he is not alone. Some talks in life are too difficult to make. When you are young and you fall in trouble or go through a rough time, your father and mother hold your hand and encourage you to live through setbacks. But when you grow up and somehow, someday your parents need similar encouragement, things get weird because (a)you are their kid, they always know better right?,  and (b) you dont want to hurt their feelings by advising them and showing that now that you are educated, you know more than them.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO???

You say "I LOVE YOU, DAD",
                                           yes, that's it, no advice, no consolation, no preaching. Just I LOVE YOU.

And when you have a world of wonderful friends out there (who know your Dad and also those who don't) then you request your friends to share the message and tell him "Shahla says 'I LOVE YOU' and in your own words, may be
1- few words of encouragement, a quote
2- few words of kindness
3- if you know him, may be a memory of him, a story to share with others about him
4- DUA- prayers for his well being and patience.
but if nothing comes to your mind, just copy paste "Shahla says 'I LOVE YOU'" which might take 2 seconds of your time.
Here is him on FB

If you love your Dad, please share this message with as many Dads as possible and tell them that you love them, life is too short for procastination and yes even on days other than Father's Day and his Bday, you are allowed to express your love. Respecting privacy is kind; to encourage someone we don't always need to know the details of their life. Just letting them know that you are there for them, no matter how many million miles apart and praying for them is one of the greatest gifts you can give them even as complete strangers.

Thank you for your time and I pray that all the wonderful and sacrificng Dads of this world live longer, stronger and propser!- Ameen.

Love and Light

5 Rules to avoid being 'The Parasitic Child'

Hello my beautiful readers,

I hope you are enjoying summers! Today I want to share some information about a 'less talked about' issue in our society inside our homes. 

Recently, I came across an old friend who is at her parents's home with her little daughter and her husband. No, no one is sick and neither is he unemployed. It has been almost six months and she is getting impatient day after day. Traditionally, Indian culture dictates that after the wedding, the bride and groom live with the groom's parents if they are not travelling for work. So technically, she should have been with them but since their home is the size of a shoebox and the groom's father is abusive and disrespectful, they migrated to the comfy nest; the bride's parent's home. Her husband quit his well paid job and keeps making excuses of looking for another one. 

There is another story of a friend whose father never worked! Her grandfather was wealthy and had 7 kids. The eldest one was sure to inherit a lot of wealth so he did not take interest in his studies and never worked a day in his life. The grandfather invested in few shops and businesses for him to take care of but it all went to loss since the son was not interested. They looked for a bride for him hoping that he might feel responsible after getting married. He did marry a nice woman who is a qualified teacher with a well paid job. Nevertheless, there never came the sense of responsibility. She worked while he scarfed rent out of the inherited property (which belongs to all the siblings, not just to him but he wouldn't let anyone touch it). He stays at home, walks around the home, yells at tenents, watches TV while the wife works, cleans, cooks, washes and helps raise 4 kids to be humans.

These are examples of the 'Parasitic Child'. Adults who do not take responsibility for their needs and cling to their parents for a living. Family is our support system and all children need help from their families to stand on their own feet until they manage to have a smooth life of their own. Even if the life is not smooth and they have to struggle to get things sorted, it is their own responsibility to fight for it.

If parents dont help these parasites, they feel guilty and when they do help, they feel frustrated after a while.

So, what is the solution to 'The Parasitic Child' syndrome?

My research suggests 'self respect' is the major lacking factor in people like these who keep on asking for help and taking advantage of your good nature (as children, siblings or friends). Someone who has the tiniest bit of dignity and self respect would not over stay his welcome or demand things from parents. Greed kills self respect and when it comes to easy money and house coming from your old folks, it seems all the more simple.

So here are few rules to live by:

1. Your parents are NOT responsible for your living after you turn 18. They may continue to help you until you find a job but then you should be on your own.

2. Your partner and children are YOUR responsibility. If you cannot feed them, dont marry and dont get pregnant.

3. If you lost your job or came into a sudden crisis and have no other option but to ask for help- be genuine. If you can pay your own rent and groceries/bills, you should. If there is absolutely nothing you can pay for, help around the house chores as much as you can.

4. Keep deadlines in mind and inform them about it. Let them know this is your plan and you will soon be out of their way.

5. While you do get a roof over your head at your parents' place, do not get lazy and comfortable. Work day and night to look for a job and move out as soon as you can.



I cannot tell you how many homes I have seen scatter because of greed and laziness of few people. I left home when I was 21 and still have found my 'permanent address' yet. But I do not plan to stay with my parents for any longer than a vacation. I feel that although I miss them and have not seen them for a very long time, they love and respect me. Distance really does make the heart fonder. It gives them a chance to miss me and truly cherish the moments I spend with them when I visit.

I hope you are not a parasite in your own family and if you are, I pray that you do stand on your own feet soon.

Love and Light,

Shahla

Guys-----WOMEN are NEITHER Pursuits nor Contests

Dear Lovely Readers,

The recent sad and pathetic event of Elliot Rodger's killing spree has put the world in a somewhat state of shock. And when an event like this happens, our mind immediately questions "WHO TO BLAME" and we try to somehow make sense of whatever happened.

CULTURE
The first blame goes to culture. We blame it on the video games and the movies and the sitcoms etc Many writers and authors have in fact written about how culture drove Rodger and men like him on various pathetic and desperate members websites to do something like this. The recent one was by Hadley Freeman, the writer at The Guardian. While I do agree the culture paradigm, somehow I am not truly convinced by that.

Two people look out the same window at  the same time. One notices the stars in the sky; the other sees just the dirt of the road. Both are right, both exist!

Human brain is an extra ordinary creation of God and the power to pick and choose from what comes across us is truly unique and individualistic in nature. In Academia we say, it is purely subjective. The philosophy of truth and what exists limits down to only our mental potential and limitations.

While culture does play a crucial role in moulding our society, I do believe in the power of individual rebellion that has changed history. Slavery was a big part of our culture, wasn't it? Black slaves in America is one thing but when I read the verses of Quran and read about 'how to be kind to your slaves' and related scripture, it freaks me out. Because the holy scripture has not been changed, it does say a lot about the culture that existed years and years before us.

Yet, it relieves me to know that I live in a century that has passed slavery culture and now I read about it only in Quran in a good way. What Muslims usually make out of it is 'how to treat those with less power or poor'. The point I am trying to make is that people changed culture, abolished slavery and led us to this stage where we stand proud. Sure our society still has a million flaws but there are a billion that we corrected.

So, I ask you, does your culture define you?

Or do you define your culture???

Perceptions of WOMEN- from Elliot Rodger to Arthur Chu
The article by Prachi Gupta opened my eyes to something interesting. It expands over Arthur Chu's statement about nerds who study and work hard for good grades all their lives and expect a trophy wife in the end like a princess to be won at the end of video game conquest. I couldn't agree more!

If you are a fan of The Big Bang Theory, you would have noticed hints of these attitudes in the dialogues of the four young men aka nerds. There was an episode where Howard flirts with Penny and she gets mad and says "you are going to die alone"... Later when Penny tries to console him, he explains how Marcy Grossman, a girl in school broke his heart and then asks "what chance do I have if I don't try that hard?"

In yet another episode when a young Korean kid called Joyce Kim visits the university and our four beloved nerds try to distract him, they each mention their perceptions of the young girls around.Leonard mentions about a cheer leader who made him to her homework and so on and so forth. Also note that they use girls to distract him.

Stereotypes are everywhere and some are true. But stereotyping cheer leaders and studious girls cannot be more wrong!
Guys, guys, guys, please get this... Just because a girl is beautiful does not mean she cannot be hard working and professionally accomplished. Similarly just because a girl is studious and does not bother to look like a Dior model everyday, does NOT mean that she is not a nice person who would bore you to death.

There has been a lot of discussion recently, since the killing spree about rejections from beautiful women and their rights to chose who to be with.

I am a woman and I CANNOT give you a rationale for who I chose to be with in the past or even in future. It is entirely useless to look for a pattern and say that because I wear a 500 Dollar shirt and took a shower, I deserve the cutest girl in the room. Every woman is entirely unique when it comes to choosing men and people, please try to get this inside your brains. Ask any girl and you would know. I hate action movies, its just not my thing but I love Jason Statham and John Cena. I hate violence and guns and all that blood shed in the movies but I like those guys. And this is just about movies... I cannot justify my liking with a reason because there are several other action heroes that I absolutely dislike.

Just as there is no reason to dislike something, there isn't always a reason to like something as well. Humans are irrational. ASK ECONOMISTS (only if we Economists knew what goes on inside that little brain of humans that makes the stock markets burst like a balloon).

So, give it a rest. No matter what age you are at, Arthur Chu is right- you cannot expect a princess or a trophy wife just because you were "good" and disciplined all your life. If you got good grades and made a successful career, that's for your own sake, isn't it?
What about high profile men who do end up marrying trophy wives and sooner or later their career takes all their time and eventually their trophy wife drifts into some other looser's arms (just cause he has the time to make her feel loved)... Seen that a million times, I am sure we all have.

The point I am trying to make is we only have control over our own decisions. We cannot influence others to be our husbands or wives just because we think it is the right thing.

Ever heard --- "you can only be with me, you are crazy and I am the only one who can put up with you. If you ever leave me you will end up on the street"?

And while we are at it, there is another interesting pattern I see in ARRANGED MARRIAGES! Obviously this does not apply to the American culture directly and focuses more on the Indian and Pakistani culture. When the daughter reaches 21 or barely 22, the family is in search of a 'suitable match'. One of the first check points is how much is his bank balance and what are his qualifications. As long as these two are strong, the girl is pushed into this greed circle. I also know girls who deliberately agree to marry a green card holder or a rich business man without knowing how he takes his coffee even.

What a shame!

SO HERE'S THE THING-

Please STOP treating women like a contest or an examination.
While looking for a partner, the most important TIP I can give you as a woman is- Be Honest and gentle. If she likes you, VOILA! If she does not, move on and find the one who would like you for who you are.
And Girls- stop verifying the worth of a man by his qualifications and bank accounts. There is more to a man than that, explore him, discover him, know him, trust him, nurture him, love him for the person he is not for the wallet he carries.

With deep condolences to all those families whose loved ones will never return home...

Love and Light

# TOI
#Violence against women
#arranged marriages
#Telegraph
#ArthurChu
#rapeculture
#yestoallwomen
#Elliot Rodger
#HadleyFreeman
#TBBT

What Mr Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi need to know about rape and false rape accusations

The media shocked the world recently when they broadcasted insensitive remarks of CM Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi about rape:


 "rape accused should not be hanged. Men make mistakes... Handing death sentence for rape is not fair... boys make mistakes... there will be changes in the law if we come to power . Efforts will be made to change such a law so that those misusing it are punished. Those filing false reports will also be taken to task. When their friendship ends, the girl complains she has been raped." The SP chief was citing the recent example of the Shakti Mills gang rape case where a young photo journalist was gang raped by five men inside the compound, out of which three of the accused had also earlier raped a 19 year old girl. The three accused were given the death penalty. Following in the heels of Mulayam Singh, Abu Azmi of the Samajwadi Party went on to shock the nation further. According to a report in Mid-Day, he was quoted saying, "Rape is punishable by hanging in Islam. But here, nothing happens to women, only to men. Even the woman is guilty. In India, if you have sex with a person with consent, it's fine. But if that same person complains, it's a problem. Nowadays, we see a lot of such cases. Girls complain when someone touches them, and even when someone doesn't touch them. It becomes a problem then, and the man's honour is ruined in this. If rape happens with or without consent, it should be punished as prescribed in Islam."

Read more here, here and here.

The media, Bollywood and other prominent figures of India expressed their disgust and condemned this demeaning statement of our prominent politicians, but there is more to the story. These statements from people with power are not just personal opinions, they are proof that reflect illiteracy of these people with regards to human rights violations. It is lack of gender based education that makes people act this way.

In this article, you will find out the reality of false rape accusations.

Lesson # 1
Types of rape scenarios

The first thing you need to know about a rape accusation is that not all rapes are similar. There are different scenarios of rape that can be summarized under these headings:

Animalistic rape is one where the victim's body has been injured beyond repair or where weapons or tools have been used to inflict intentional pain.

Minor Rape is rape with anyone under 18, including infants.

Alcohol and drug Rape is one in which the victim is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If she is too drunk to drive, she is unable to give consent.

Gang rape is where more than one offender is involved for ex the gang rape that took place on Dec the 16th 2012 in Delhi.

Date Rape is when a male and a female are dating or in relationship when rape takes place.

Marital Rape is when the victim is married to the offender.

As you can clearly see that there are 6 kinds of rape scenarios and the possibility of a false rape accusation boils down to just the last 2!!!

There is no way any female would lie about the first 4 types because they are out of question. No human can destroy half their body on purpose just to accuse a man. Having intercourse with a minor is automatically rape with or without consent and every man must know that. Similarly drinking alcohol or taking drugs is NOT illegal in India for neither men nor women. But that certainly does not give others the right to take advantage of a drunk person, male or female. Same applies to gang rape.

Lesson # 2

Speaking of date rape and marital rape...

Yes, there are chances that few women might lie about being raped for whatever reason and our politicians seem to be much more worried about the false rape accusations than that of the real ones.

Again there are few myths that need to be cleared here:

Rape and False rape accusations are two entirely different issues. False accusations are common in all crime activities and comparably much lesser in rape crimes. Fighting for justice for a rape victim is equally important to fighting for the rights of an innocent man. Please note that neither of these two must be compromised under the benefit of doubt.



From what our patriarchal male society and these politicians suggest, there is clearly a benefit of doubt being given to men by compromising the rights of a rape victim.

Lesson # 3

Actual rape cases vs false rape cases

I understand the concern of our politicians though and have put together these statistics because numbers don't lie, right?

A recent report claimed that over 35% of rape cases were found fake last year after police investigation.

Meaning, in every 100, there are 35 women lying about rape.

Now consider the fact that "Ninety percent of the rape cases in India go unreported".

This would mean that the actual rape victims in India are many more than we know of. The ratio between real rape victims and false rape would be something like 155:35

While false rape accusations are an issue, it is a much smaller number in comparison to the mounting rape cases that actually happen in every day life of an Indian woman.

Lesson # 4

The woman that lies about rape:

The truth about women who claim to be raped falsely is also worth noting.

Many women take back their own claims or give a statement that they lied about it in marital cases. Often the husband is the man they love and when he asks for forgiveness and make promises, the woman has a change of heart and takes back her claims. Please note that, taking back these charges do not mean that the crime did not occur. It simply means that the woman is trying to be merciful, either for the sake of her children or her memories with that man.

In a country like India, women are also threatened for life if they report their rapists. More often than not, despite the FIR being registered, even the Police advises the victim and their family to take back their claims. This was clearly evident from the episode of Satyamevjayate by Amir Khan on fighting rape.

In the above horrendous case, how can one ever weigh the severity of rape cases against false accusations?

On one hand where thousands and thousands of young kids, girls, old women and happy women are ruined like plastic toys, are we really more worried about a few false accusations?

I am not saying that those falsely accused are of any less importance. Every living being has the right to justice, be it a man or a woman.

But if we live in a society where women can accuse men of false rape, why don't we teach our men to be careful???

Honestly, I have never heard or read any rules or guidebook advising Indian men to be careful with what sort of women they sleep with. Recently, there was a case in the news about a married woman who claimed to be falsely raped to hide an extra marital affair. In such cases, why don't we blame the man to make a choice to date a married woman in the first place? At this point, I can't say if the woman's claim is true or false but if I was a man, I would be careful in my actions.

Lesson # 5

Advice for men

As an activist for human rights, I truly think that instead of blaming women for everything that goes wrong in sexual assault cases, we must rather educate men on making wise choices. Here are a few pointers:

1. Don't sleep with any person under 18
2. Don't sleep with anyone on first few dates, unless you know her truly and are absolutely sure that she consents.
3. Don't sleep with anyone who is drunk even if they insist.
4. Don't assume you have anyone's consent if they are shy.

Lesson # 6

The 7th kind of rape: Manipulative Rape

Manipulative Rape is a special kind of rape. This is the grey area of all rape investigation. This is a scenario where the offender rapes a victim, not through violence or aggression but manipulation. This rape is the most difficult to prove because the victim may not have made any noise and there may not be any injuries on her body. For ex, if a doctor rapes a patient in the name of examination, or if a religious authority rapes a victim by taking advantage of her superstitious beliefs etc

This rape can be prevented to some extent by education. In most cases women are unaware of their rights and young girls are too scared or embarrassed to even understand what exactly has happened with them. Nevertheless, it must not be given any benefits of doubt and with the help of forensic science and polygraphs, I believe false accusations can be detected early and easily.

Lesson # 7

Even when a woman does lie about rape...

As mentioned above, the chances or rather statistics of women lying about rape accusations is really low. 

Nevertheless it happens and when it does happen, the alleged accuser or the woman goes through a greater degree of scrutiny and investigation than the alleged rapist. 

Her character is questioned.

Her company of friends, upbringing, family background, profession...

She runs the risk of losing her life.

Her eating and drinking habits, in fact every single aspect of her life is questioned in detail.

She has to relive the entire horrendous experience while answering questions. 

And mind you, the questions are ugly, embarrassing and too personal, invading the entire privacy of an individual. 

On being accused of false claim, she runs the risk of being abandoned by her personal and social circles. But in a country like India, just by admitting rape, the victim as well as her family faces a social boycott by the society. 

Please use your common sense and ask yourself, isn't that too big a price to pay for a false accusation???

Yes, there are false accusations but so does every other crime, why should only a rape victim's plea be discounted? 

Indian women are dynamic and when few can be Sania Mirza and Kalpana Chawla, there may be hundreds or thousands more, waiting to be discovered, only if we allow them to thrive. Women's safety must never be questioned because what father or brother would not want their sister's or daughter's to be safe? 

"Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses. "

Marie de Vichy-Chamrond

Love and Light

Shahla Khan

#rape #assault #TOI #NDTV #False rape #Mulayam Singh yadav #Abu Azmi #Satyamev Jayate #Amir Khan #justice #India #womens rights #human rights #violation